Judges 1

So with Joshua dead, cities invaded and massacred, there should be be peace throughout the land. The Israelites that are so inherently peaceful and trustworthy, shall now return to their former reserved,restrained and tolerant selves.

Unfortunately not.

¹Now after the death of Joshua it came to pass, that the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them?

It's more of a..."Who shall we kill next ?"

²And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand.

³And Judah said unto Simeon his brother, Come up with me into my lot, that we may fight against the Canaanites; and I likewise will go with thee into thy lot. So Simeon went with him.

⁴And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men.

Cos they really needed more land. Perhaps that's it ? They needed to spread out so far that they couldn't see, hear or smell each other, as when they did they couldn't help but recoil with disgust.

⁵And they found Adonibezek in Bezek: and they fought against him, and they slew the Canaanites and the Perizzites.

⁶But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes.

⁷And Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me. And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died.

From the nlt for clarification

⁷ Adoni-bezek said, “I once had seventy kings with their thumbs and big toes cut off, eating scraps from under my table. Now God has paid me back for what I did to them.” They took him to Jerusalem, and he died there.

⁸Now the children of Judah had fought against Jerusalem, and had taken it, and smitten it with the edge of the sword, and set the city on fire.

⁹And afterward the children of Judah went down to fight against the Canaanites, that dwelt in the mountain, and in the south, and in the valley.

¹⁰And Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron: (now the name of Hebron before was Kirjatharba:) and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai.

¹¹And from thence he went against the inhabitants of Debir: and the name of Debir before was Kirjathsepher:

¹²And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife.

De lard must love this Caleb chap....prostituting his daughter to a live of sexual slavery to the nastiest mother fucker around.

¹³And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife.

¹⁴And it came to pass, when she came to him, that she moved him to ask of her father a field: and she lighted from off her ass; and Caleb said unto her, What wilt thou?

¹⁵And she said unto him, Give me a blessing: for thou hast given me a south land; give me also springs of water. And Caleb gave her the upper springs and the nether springs.

Seems odd they give her a field with springs, you would have thought a well sprung bed better for newly weds. Is it a mis-translation ?

Did they mean her husband made her wet ?

¹⁶And the children of the Kenite, Moses' father in law, went up out of the city of palm trees with the children of Judah into the wilderness of Judah, which lieth in the south of Arad; and they went and dwelt among the people.

¹⁷And Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. And the name of the city was called Hormah.

¹⁸Also Judah took Gaza with the coast thereof, and Askelon with the coast thereof, and Ekron with the coast thereof.

¹⁹And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

Followers of de lard insist the all answers are in the bible, so there is one to use against them.
Why ? De lard was with Judah and he could NOT drive out the people with iron chariots

Still not with me

Iron chariots = latest technology = more advanced therefore Science beats superstition.......and its in the bible so it must be trooo.

²⁰And they gave Hebron unto Caleb, as Moses said: and he expelled thence the three sons of Anak.

²¹And the children of Benjamin did not drive out the Jebusites that inhabited Jerusalem; but the Jebusites dwell with the children of Benjamin in Jerusalem unto this day.

²²And the house of Joseph, they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them.

²³And the house of Joseph sent to descry Bethel. (Now the name of the city before was Luz.)

²⁴And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy.

²⁵And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family.

²⁶And the man went into the land of the Hittites, and built a city, and called the name thereof Luz: which is the name thereof unto this day.

We have seen this since Adam's day one guy goes off and presto! there's a city. If it's that easy why are these bastards going round taking every other fuckers ? I suppose there wouldn't be the gold,and other spoils and of course don't forget the rape.

²⁷Neither did Manasseh drive out the inhabitants of Bethshean and her towns, nor Taanach and her towns, nor the inhabitants of Dor and her towns, nor the inhabitants of Ibleam and her towns, nor the inhabitants of Megiddo and her towns: but the Canaanites would dwell in that land.

²⁸And it came to pass, when Israel was strong, that they put the Canaanites to tribute, and did not utterly drive them out.

So did de lard change his mind or just forget about it ?

²⁹Neither did Ephraim drive out the Canaanites that dwelt in Gezer; but the Canaanites dwelt in Gezer among them.

³⁰Neither did Zebulun drive out the inhabitants of Kitron, nor the inhabitants of Nahalol; but the Canaanites dwelt among them, and became tributaries.

³¹Neither did Asher drive out the inhabitants of Accho, nor the inhabitants of Zidon, nor of Ahlab, nor of Achzib, nor of Helbah, nor of Aphik, nor of Rehob:

³²But the Asherites dwelt among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land: for they did not drive them out.

³³Neither did Naphtali drive out the inhabitants of Bethshemesh, nor the inhabitants of Bethanath; but he dwelt among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land: nevertheless the inhabitants of Bethshemesh and of Bethanath became tributaries unto them.

³⁴And the Amorites forced the children of Dan into the mountain: for they would not suffer them to come down to the valley:

³⁵But the Amorites would dwell in mount Heres in Aijalon, and in Shaalbim: yet the hand of the house of Joseph prevailed, so that they became tributaries.

³⁶And the coast of the Amorites was from the going up to Akrabbim, from the rock, and upward.

Yet again I think we have much exaggeration coming from oral tradition many years probably centuries before the story we now read was written down

Joshua Recap

I must confess to being a little confused by Joshua, although familiar with the myth,these massive conquests and genocides seem to have escaped history unnoticed, save by the perpetrators.
I find myself perturbed by the lack of detail. With such big events we should expect not only more from the winners but from outside sources. Sadly to mention again these events are unrecorded anywhere else.
This suggests either they are complete fabication or bible scholar's have their sums and dates wrong. It seems to me, admittedly with no evidence, that Joshua's conquest was part of the "Sea peoples" invasion that are recorded at least in part in some of the Armarna letters.

To be honest I see most of Joshua as pure bullshit.

Walls falling down with trumpets, the sun standing still and a bunch of nomads achieving world domination. This strikes me as having more to do with long nights and strong wine than any facts.

Joshua 24

¹And Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and called for the elders of Israel, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers; and they presented themselves before God.

²And Joshua said unto all the people, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Your fathers dwelt on the other side of the flood in old time, even Terah, the father of Abraham, and the father of Nachor: and they served other gods.

Have I got to point out these other gods were before YHWH ?

³And I took your father Abraham from the other side of the flood, and led him throughout all the land of Canaan, and multiplied his seed, and gave him Isaac.

Surely that would imply that the flood was not a worldwide flood as previously mentioned. Also Abraham was a foreigner. Perhaps de lard is Shiva after all ?

Either way it shows yet again de lard is or has lied to his subjects.

"gave him Isaac" did de lard father Isaac ...Is this yet another "only begotten son"

What follows now is a list of boasts

⁴And I gave unto Isaac Jacob and Esau: and I gave unto Esau mount Seir, to possess it; but Jacob and his children went down into Egypt.

⁵I sent Moses also and Aaron, and I plagued Egypt, according to that which I did among them: and afterward I brought you out.

⁶And I brought your fathers out of Egypt: and ye came unto the sea; and the Egyptians pursued after your fathers with chariots and horsemen unto the Red sea.

⁷And when they cried unto the LORD, he put darkness between you and the Egyptians, and brought the sea upon them, and covered them; and your eyes have seen what I have done in Egypt: and ye dwelt in the wilderness a long season.

⁸And I brought you into the land of the Amorites, which dwelt on the other side Jordan; and they fought with you: and I gave them into your hand, that ye might possess their land; and I destroyed them from before you.

⁹Then Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, arose and warred against Israel, and sent and called Balaam the son of Beor to curse you:

¹⁰But I would not hearken unto Balaam; therefore he blessed you still: so I delivered you out of his hand.

¹¹And you went over Jordan, and came unto Jericho: and the men of Jericho fought against you, the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Girgashites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; and I delivered them into your hand.

¹²And I sent the hornet before you, which drave them out from before you, even the two kings of the Amorites; but not with thy sword, nor with thy bow.

¹³And I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye built not, and ye dwell in them; of the vineyards and oliveyards which ye planted not do ye eat.

So de lard has to spout his own importance. Why does this supposed omnipotent being need to keep readdressing his own importance ?

In my experience, most people I have met over the years tell tales of what they have done either to entertain or because they come up in conversation. Other's speak of things for no other reason than to underline their own importance, reading this rhetoric I can only go with my much earlier comments of de lard having serious confidence issues no doubt brought on by an incredibly small penis.

¹⁴Now therefore fear the LORD, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the LORD.

Cos ' de lard leads by example........Lying cunt!

¹⁵And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

¹⁶And the people answered and said, God forbid that we should forsake the LORD, to serve other gods;

That about sums it up doesn't it ? The sort of comment you get off spoilt children.....I wont like you if you dont play with me.....In fact that in essence is the whole "you can't go to heaven unless you are saved" If you won't play with me you can't come to my birthday party!!

¹⁷For the LORD our God, he it is that brought us up and our fathers out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage, and which did those great signs in our sight, and preserved us in all the way wherein we went, and among all the people through whom we passed:

Yes he preserved them all from harm............Apart from the thousands that died of course

¹⁸And the LORD drave out from before us all the people, even the Amorites which dwelt in the land: therefore will we also serve the LORD; for he is our God.

¹⁹And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the LORD: for he is an holy God; he is a jealous God; Ye cannot serve the LORD: for he is an holy God; he is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins.

²⁰If ye forsake the LORD, and serve strange gods, then he will turn and do you hurt, and consume you, after that he hath done you good.

Alzheimer's kicking in ?

²⁰If ye forsake the LORD, and serve strange gods, then he will turn and do you hurt, and consume you, after that he hath done you good.

²¹And the people said unto Joshua, Nay; but we will serve the LORD.

²²And Joshua said unto the people, Ye are witnesses against yourselves that ye have chosen you the LORD, to serve him. And they said, We are witnesses.

²³Now therefore put away, said he, the strange gods which are among you, and incline your heart unto the LORD God of Israel.

²⁴And the people said unto Joshua, The LORD our God will we serve, and his voice will we obey.

Maybe they are not that stupid ?

²⁵So Joshua made a covenant with the people that day, and set them a statute and an ordinance in Shechem.

²⁶And Joshua wrote these words in the book of the law of God, and took a great stone, and set it up there under an oak, that was by the sanctuary of the LORD.

²⁷And Joshua said unto all the people, Behold, this stone shall be a witness unto us; for it hath heard all the words of the LORD which he spake unto us: it shall be therefore a witness unto you, lest ye deny your God.

So Josh tells them they are all witnesses to each others promise to suck up to de lard(whenever they hear him speak of course), and to make sure they keep thier promise he raises stone. Contrary to what it says in Leviticus 26

²⁸So Joshua let the people depart, every man unto his inheritance.

²⁹And it came to pass after these things, that Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died, being an hundred and ten years old.

³⁰And they buried him in the border of his inheritance in Timnathserah, which is in mount Ephraim, on the north side of the hill of Gaash.

³¹And Israel served the LORD all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders that overlived Joshua, and which had known all the works of the LORD, that he had done for Israel.

³²And the bones of Joseph, which the children of Israel brought up out of Egypt, buried they in Shechem, in a parcel of ground which Jacob bought of the sons of Hamor the father of Shechem for an hundred pieces of silver: and it became the inheritance of the children of Joseph.

³³And Eleazar the son of Aaron died; and they buried him in a hill that pertained to Phinehas his son, which was given him in mount Ephraim.