Joshua 13

¹Now Joshua was old and stricken in years; and the LORD said unto him, Thou art old and stricken in years, and there remaineth yet very much land to be possessed.

So de lard is able to state the blindingly obvious but apparently powerless to prevent Joshua from ageing before he has done the work of de lard or for that matter to help him hurry up a bit.

²This is the land that yet remaineth: all the borders of the Philistines, and all Geshuri,

Fuck I thought I was going to be able to take the piss but although it started well has deteriorated into yet another list

³From Sihor, which is before Egypt, even unto the borders of Ekron northward, which is counted to the Canaanite: five lords of the Philistines; the Gazathites, and the Ashdothites, the Eshkalonites, the Gittites, and the Ekronites; also the Avites:

⁴From the south, all the land of the Canaanites, and Mearah that is beside the Sidonians unto Aphek, to the borders of the Amorites:

⁵And the land of the Giblites, and all Lebanon, toward the sunrising, from Baalgad under mount Hermon unto the entering into Hamath.

⁶All the inhabitants of the hill country from Lebanon unto Misrephothmaim, and all the Sidonians, them will I drive out from before the children of Israel: only divide thou it by lot unto the Israelites for an inheritance, as I have commanded thee.

⁷Now therefore divide this land for an inheritance unto the nine tribes, and the half tribe of Manasseh,

What ? How the fuck can you have half a tribe, sure you can divide a tribe in half but once one half is gone then the half becomes the whole

⁸With whom the Reubenites and the Gadites have received their inheritance, which Moses gave them, beyond Jordan eastward, even as Moses the servant of the LORD gave them;

⁹From Aroer, that is upon the bank of the river Arnon, and the city that is in the midst of the river, and all the plain of Medeba unto Dibon;

¹⁰And all the cities of Sihon king of the Amorites, which reigned in Heshbon, unto the border of the children of Ammon;

¹¹And Gilead, and the border of the Geshurites and Maachathites, and all mount Hermon, and all Bashan unto Salcah;

¹²All the kingdom of Og in Bashan, which reigned in Ashtaroth and in Edrei, who remained of the remnant of the giants: for these did Moses smite, and cast them out.

¹³Nevertheless the children of Israel expelled not the Geshurites, nor the Maachathites: but the Geshurites and the Maachathites dwell among the Israelites until this day.

¹⁴Only unto the tribes of Levi he gave none inheritance; the sacrifices of the LORD God of Israel made by fire are their inheritance, as he said unto them.

¹⁵And Moses gave unto the tribe of the children of Reuben inheritance according to their families.

¹⁶And their coast was from Aroer, that is on the bank of the river Arnon, and the city that is in the midst of the river, and all the plain by Medeba;

¹⁷Heshbon, and all her cities that are in the plain; Dibon, and Bamothbaal, and Bethbaalmeon,

¹⁸And Jahaza, and Kedemoth, and Mephaath,

¹⁹And Kirjathaim, and Sibmah, and Zarethshahar in the mount of the valley,

²⁰And Bethpeor, and Ashdothpisgah, and Bethjeshimoth,

²¹And all the cities of the plain, and all the kingdom of Sihon king of the Amorites, which reigned in Heshbon, whom Moses smote with the princes of Midian, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, which were dukes of Sihon, dwelling in the country.

²²Balaam also the son of Beor, the soothsayer, did the children of Israel slay with the sword among them that were slain by them.

²³And the border of the children of Reuben was Jordan, and the border thereof. This was the inheritance of the children of Reuben after their families, the cities and the villages thereof.

²⁴And Moses gave inheritance unto the tribe of Gad, even unto the children of Gad according to their families.

²⁵And their coast was Jazer, and all the cities of Gilead, and half the land of the children of Ammon, unto Aroer that is before Rabbah;

²⁶And from Heshbon unto Ramathmizpeh, and Betonim; and from Mahanaim unto the border of Debir;

²⁷And in the valley, Betharam, and Bethnimrah, and Succoth, and Zaphon, the rest of the kingdom of Sihon king of Heshbon, Jordan and his border, even unto the edge of the sea of Chinnereth on the other side Jordan eastward.

²⁸This is the inheritance of the children of Gad after their families, the cities, and their villages.

²⁹And Moses gave inheritance unto the half tribe of Manasseh: and this was the possession of the half tribe of the children of Manasseh by their families.

³⁰And their coast was from Mahanaim, all Bashan, all the kingdom of Og king of Bashan, and all the towns of Jair, which are in Bashan, threescore cities:

³¹And half Gilead, and Ashtaroth, and Edrei, cities of the kingdom of Og in Bashan, were pertaining unto the children of Machir the son of Manasseh, even to the one half of the children of Machir by their families.

³²These are the countries which Moses did distribute for inheritance in the plains of Moab, on the other side Jordan, by Jericho, eastward.

³³But unto the tribe of Levi Moses gave not any inheritance: the LORD God of Israel was their inheritance, as he said unto them.

Wait a minute Moses gave this and Moses gave that. Fuck me! He is awfully generous considering he is dead and buried. Or is it as I suggested earlier Moses was not a name but a title.........Or is it just that one senile old megalomaniac looks the same as another