Monday, 9 March 2009

Deuteronomy 14

1Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

2For thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God, and the LORD hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth.

3Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing.

Does that mean snowmen, or the Mother In Laws cooking ?

4These are the beasts which ye shall eat: the ox, the sheep, and the goat,

5The hart, and the roebuck, and the fallow deer, and the wild goat, and the pygarg, and the wild ox, and the chamois.

What the fuck is a pygarg

? I looked it up and it's definitely an antelope, or an eagle, or a rabbit, or perhaps one of these four legged birds or insects we have been told about.To be honest nobody is sure so it must have tasted real good as there are none left

6And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat.

7Nevertheless these ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.

8And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase.

But ...but... but...they taste soooo good.

No really, you can keep your ambrosia the real food of the gods is pork and bacon.

9These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:

10And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

11Of all clean birds ye shall eat.

12But these are they of which ye shall not eat: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

13And the glede, and the kite, and the vulture after his kind,

14And every raven after his kind,

15And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,

16The little owl, and the great owl, and the swan,

17And the pelican, and the gier eagle, and the cormorant,

18And the stork, and the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

The bat! fuck me am I stupid ?There was me thinking it was a mammal

19And every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten.

You try riding a motorcycle and not eating the odd flying creeping thing. It happens, you can't help it, but come those balmy summer nights and autumn evenings I could keep a large family of bats healthy on the amount of flying insects I must digest. I don't even notice the taste half the time. The consistency however, is another matter.

20But of all clean fowls ye may eat.

Are there any left ?

21Ye shall not eat of anything that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that is in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien: for thou art an holy people unto the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.

He does go on about this, I must admit I have never eaten a kid boiled in milk but if I did I would make sure I milked it's mother personally.

22Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed, that the field bringeth forth year by year.

What ? de lard wants 10% of the wet spot when you and your lover have finished.

23And thou shalt eat before the LORD thy God, in the place which he shall choose to place his name there, the tithe of thy corn, of thy wine, and of thine oil, and the firstlings of thy herds and of thy flocks; that thou mayest learn to fear the LORD thy God always.

You try having a picnic halfway through a service, especially if you do your grovelling at one of the mega churches with thier gun toting ushers.

24And if the way be too long for thee, so that thou art not able to carry it; or if the place be too far from thee, which the LORD thy God shall choose to set his name there, when the LORD thy God hath blessed thee:

25Then shalt thou turn it into money, and bind up the money in thine hand, and shalt go unto the place which the LORD thy God shall choose:

Yea verily !de lard he has chosen your local preachers back pocket.

Fuck me you read lines like this and think how can people be this fucking stupid ?

26And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household,

27And the Levite that is within thy gates; thou shalt not forsake him; for he hath no part nor inheritance with thee.

For levite substitute you local religious leader

28At the end of three years thou shalt bring forth all the tithe of thine increase the same year, and shalt lay it up within thy gates:

29And the Levite, (because he hath no part nor inheritance with thee,) and the stranger, and the fatherless, and the widow, which are within thy gates, shall come, and shall eat and be satisfied; that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hand which thou doest.


uzza said...

I laughed my ass off reading this. You owe me one perfectly good ass!

Baal's Bum said...

I wish I could do that all the time unfortunately I get too tied up with facts sometimes. Other times not even I can see a funny side.