Exodus 13

Exodus 13

1And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
2Sanctify unto me all the firstborn, whatsoever openeth the womb among the children of Israel, both of man and of beast: it is mine.

Has god been doing some fucking, man AND beast ? Not having a go on the women then ? These Israelite women must be some real mingers or maybe god just can't do straight sex.

3And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day, in which ye came out from Egypt, out of the house of bondage; for by strength of hand the LORD brought you out from this place: there shall no leavened bread be eaten.

That's only because he don't want them wasting good brewing yeast on breadmaking.

4This day came ye out in the month Abib.
5And it shall be when the LORD shall bring thee into the land of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee, a land flowing with milk and honey, that thou shalt keep this service in this month.
6Seven days thou shalt eat unleavened bread, and in the seventh day shall be a feast to the LORD.
7Unleavened bread shall be eaten seven days; and there shall no leavened bread be seen with thee, neither shall there be leaven seen with thee in all thy quarters.

It is really going on a bit about no yeast in bread. In fact more than "thou shalt not kill" makes you wonder which is the bigger sin in de lawds eyes ?

8And thou shalt shew thy son in that day, saying, This is done because of that which the LORD did unto me when I came forth out of Egypt.
9And it shall be for a sign unto thee upon thine hand, and for a memorial between thine eyes, that the LORD's law may be in thy mouth: for with a strong hand hath the LORD brought thee out of Egypt.
10Thou shalt therefore keep this ordinance in his season from year to year.
11And it shall be when the LORD shall bring thee into the land of the Canaanites, as he sware unto thee and to thy fathers, and shall give it thee,
12That thou shalt set apart unto the LORD all that openeth the matrix, and every firstling that cometh of a beast which thou hast; the males shall be the LORD's


Where is Keannu Reeves when you need him.

13And every firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb; and if thou wilt not redeem it, then thou shalt break his neck: and all the firstborn of man among thy children shalt thou redeem.

Have I got this right ?
God manages not only to forget his "chosen people", fails to notice their servitude. Finally when he does notice/remember his chosen he piss balls around for fuck knows how long before he arranges for them to be freed. In circumstances, that by his own admission, dragged out much longer than necessary. Then has the gall to expect tribute/token payment for the privilage

14And it shall be when thy son asketh thee in time to come, saying, What is this? that thou shalt say unto him, By strength of hand the LORD brought us out from Egypt, from the house of bondage:

Instead of the obvious "Well son ! I am retarded enough to believe in the fairy tales of my ancestors."

15And it came to pass, when Pharaoh would hardly let us go, that the LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast: therefore I sacrifice to the LORD all that openeth the matrix, being males; but all the firstborn of my children I redeem.

16And it shall be for a token upon thine hand, and for frontlets between thine eyes: for by strength of hand the LORD brought us forth out of Egypt.

17And it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God led them not through the way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near; for God said, Lest peradventure the people repent when they see war, and they return to Egypt:

18But God led the people about, through the way of the wilderness of the Red sea: and the children of Israel went up harnessed out of the land of Egypt.
I always find this both interesting and ridiculous that even though the original has long been known to be a mistake or even a mis-print the Hebrew Yam Suph; that is, Sea of Reeds is still even in modern translations written down as the red sea.

19And Moses took the bones of Joseph with him: for he had straitly sworn the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you; and ye shall carry up my bones away hence with you.
20And they took their journey from Succoth, and encamped in Etham, in the edge of the wilderness.
21And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night:
22He took not away the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people.

As suggested earlier the eruption of Thera, modern day Santorini would account for the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire. following this would have taken them north westerly to the Mediterranean sea, from there they would have turned right across the sea of reeds, around the red sea.