Thursday, 22 May 2008

Exodus 4

Exodus 4

1And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.

Well you would wouldn't you, perhaps all the other Hebrews had got the good sense not to marry their sisters and therefore had not got a congenital deficiency causing them to not grow out of a childhood belief in an invisible friend.

2And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod.
3And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it.

I have had a rod in my hand, and it has cast on the ground then became a wriggly serpent. Only ever my own. But my gay friends assure me this is often what happens down their local "cottage"

4And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand:

The lord must recover quickly especially for one so old.

5That they may believe that the LORD God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath appeared unto thee.

So god wants him to toss off the unbelievers..... Cool!

6And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow.
7And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh.

This is an easy "parlor trick". It can easily be done with the application and release of a tourniquet. It would also be more apparent on a person with a darker skin than your average Caucasian.

8And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, that they will believe the voice of the latter sign.

9And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land.

Again a simple parlour trick, should be obvious to any first year chemistry student outside of Texas.

10And Moses said unto the LORD, O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.

Even the bible suggests the stupidity and no doubt associated gullibility of Moses

11And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?

Anyone who has ever used a glory hole will agree "A mouth is a mouth"

12Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.
13And he said, O my LORD, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send.
14And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart.

So why does the all knowing all loving god chose an idiot to do his dirty work when all he has to do is make a public appearance and make his wishes known ?

15And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do.
16And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God.
17And thou shalt take this rod in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt do signs.
18And Moses went and returned to Jethro his father in law, and said unto him, Let me go, I pray thee, and return unto my brethren which are in Egypt, and see whether they be yet alive. And Jethro said to Moses, Go in peace.
19And the LORD said unto Moses in Midian, Go, return into Egypt: for all the men are dead which sought thy life.
20And Moses took his wife and his sons, and set them upon an ass, and he returned to the land of Egypt: and Moses took the rod of God in his hand.

No doubt about it. God is gayer than George Michael's haidresser.

21And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.

And a total cunt at that.

22And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn:

So god is Jacob/Israel's father not Isaac. Hmmm how many "only begotten sons does that make so far ?

23And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.
24And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

god IS love !

25Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
26So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.

An oath uttered by all wives to all husbands for almost any reason.

27And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.

No ! No tongues, not gay or incestuous in any way. Honest !

28And Moses told Aaron all the words of the LORD who had sent him, and all the signs which he had commanded him.

And Aaron being the clever brother believed his halfwit brother.
Is it just me or is anyone else getting the idea Aaron may be pulling moses's strings ?

29And Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the children of Israel:
30And Aaron spake all the words which the LORD had spoken unto Moses, and did the signs in the sight of the people.
31And the people believed: and when they heard that the LORD had visited the children of Israel, and that he had looked upon their affliction, then they bowed their heads and worshipped.

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