Anal Iced Bible: Genesis 26

Genesis 26

¹And there was a famine in the land, beside the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines unto Gerar.
So Abimelech must be getting on a bit now, at least a century I'd guess.
Wonder if he can remember shagging Isaac's mother when she was nearly as old as he is now.
²And the LORD appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt; dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of:
You gotta wonder what old Abbey is dishing up after dinner instead of after eights.
Did peyote grow in the middle east it would explain a lot.
³Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;
⁴And I will make thy seed to multiply as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these countries; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed;
Is he suggesting a sperm bank or telling him to swallow not gargle ?
⁵Because that Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.

By being a misogynist, pimp, bad father, lying, cheating and generally being a bastard just like his heavenly father.
⁶And Isaac dwelt in Gerar:
⁷And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.

I didn't get this logic when Abraham used it or when he used it a second time and now we hearing it again. Its bullshit or a song.
⁸And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.
Playing football,hockey c'mon you mean fucking dont you ?
⁹And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her.
¹⁰And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.
So he does remember shafting Sarah.
¹¹And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.
Because he knew if the tabloids found out that someone had had a nibble on his bastard son's wife...........
¹²Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year an hundredfold: and the LORD blessed him.
All that bullshit made good fertilizer.
¹³And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great:
Is Abimelech still watching them "spurt".
¹⁴For he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and great store of servants: and the Philistines envied him.

¹⁵For all the wells which his father's servants had digged in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines had stopped them, and filled them with earth.
¹⁶And Abimelech said unto Isaac, Go from us; for thou art much mightier than we.

If he was that powerful why was he lying about his wife ?
¹⁷And Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and dwelt there.
¹⁸And Isaac digged again the wells of water, which they had digged in the days of Abraham his father; for the Philistines had stopped them after the death of Abraham: and he called their names after the names by which his father had called them.
¹⁹And Isaac's servants digged in the valley, and found there a well of springing water.
²⁰And the herdmen of Gerar did strive with Isaac's herdmen, saying, The water is ours: and he called the name of the well Esek; because they strove with him.
Now he's backing down from a few herdsmanwheres the power there ?
²¹And they digged another well, and strove for that also: and he called the name of it Sitnah.
One powerful coward hardly the start of a great nation. Then again laying down a precedence of going to live in someone else's land and calling it their own.
²²And he removed from thence, and digged another well; and for that they strove not: and he called the name of it Rehoboth; and he said, For now the LORD hath made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.
²³And he went up from thence to Beersheba.
²⁴And the LORD appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father: fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham's sake.
Still comes across as another gay liaison.
²⁵And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of the LORD, and pitched his tent there: and there Isaac's servants digged a well.
²⁶Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army.
Has anyone else noticed that whenever the lord tells Isaac his seed is multiplied Abimelech is not far behind.
²⁷And Isaac said unto them, Wherefore come ye to me, seeing ye hate me, and have sent me away from you?
Oohh. Lovers tiff ?
²⁸And they said, We saw certainly that the LORD was with thee: and we said, Let there be now an oath betwixt us, even betwixt us and thee, and let us make a covenant with thee;
Blackmail ?
²⁹That thou wilt do us no hurt, as we have not touched thee, and as we have done unto thee nothing but good, and have sent thee away in peace: thou art now the blessed of the LORD.
³⁰And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.
³¹And they rose up betimes in the morning, and sware one to another: and Isaac sent them away, and they departed from him in peace.
Hand under each others thigh ?
³²And it came to pass the same day, that Isaac's servants came, and told him concerning the well which they had digged, and said unto him, We have found water.
³³And he called it Shebah: therefore the name of the city is Beersheba unto this day.
³⁴And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite:
³⁵Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.

I am going out on a limb here and suggest a theory that hit me a few years ago.

They were just outside Egypt with many Egyptian influences.
We know the Egyptians used a very accurate calendar.(360 days per year +5 additional days + 1 leap day every 4 years).
We also know they looked at day and night as two separate things.
So if they had a year of 365.25 days a year they also had a year of 365.25 nights.
So In one year people aged two years.
Therefore all ages for Abraham and family are actually half what we are told.
Things then suddenly don't look quite so far fetched.

Abraham