Sunday, 24 February 2008


1Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.
2And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.
So Sarai is now a madame.
3And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.
Hang on hang on ! Stop right there ! Ten years ? He was 75 when they left Ur.Time spent in Egypt, going to Canaan,Building a house,managing to acquire at least 160 prostitutes who then give birth to at least 318 boys,raising them to manhood and training them to a higher standard of fighting than the average soldier. I smell bullshit !
4And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.
Because Sarai knew it wouldn't have been Abram's limp dick that did it.
5And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.
6But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.
What a lovely couple.
7And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.
8And he said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.
9And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.
There's the voice of a loving God again.
10And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.
11And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.
12And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.
13And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?
His eyesight must be improving, I wonder if he still needs to shave his palms ? 14Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.
15And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael. 16And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.


Jerry said...

A few weeks ago I thought I had a wonderfully original idea. I wanted to rewrite a summary of each chapter of the old testament in slang with a humorous mocking tone pointing out the Bibles hypocrisy. Maybe even call it HipHoprisy.

Well sir, your blog has been carrying on a similar objective for quite some time now, so much for my originality.
I never though of providing a historical context.
Funny stuff though, keep it up.

fdqpink/Baal's Bum said...

Glad you are enjoying it. This has been In my head for a few years I finally got around to it

T&A said...

Great stuff! I like the graphic as well!

Shadow said...

Cool work, i think it will be nice if you put some pictures (humor, sexual, rage face...etc) to the reading :D