Genesis 9

Genesis 9

¹And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
God told them to fuck off.
²And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.
³Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
⁴But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
You would have thought that with the lack of animals around he would have given them manna to eat for a year or so mind you by now there were probably a few hundred evil bunnies.
⁵And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.
Is he saying he wants blood ? You would have thought he had a world full of it. Maybe he put too much water with it.
⁶Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
Now I am confused.
⁷And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
He wants every thing to have lots of sex.
⁸And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
⁹And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
¹⁰And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
¹¹And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
¹²And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:

He seems to be saying the descendants of all creatures man included will never drown so is that not an admission that other creatures lived through the flood ?
¹³I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.
¹⁴And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:
¹⁵And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
¹⁶And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
¹⁷And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.
No more floods that lasted a long time didn't it ?
So before the flood light didn't refract through water droplets in the air.
¹⁸And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.
¹⁹These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.
²⁰And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
The first thing I think I have read that makes sense. But after what happened to Abel I am surprised he planted anything or knowing god firsthand he guessed the senile old twat wouldn't notice.
²¹And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
²²And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
That is the second.
²³And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.
Their faces were backward? More than their faces were backward what sons in thier right mind will miss the chance to rip the piss out of thier old man when he's shitfaced ? Something not right about these two boys.
²⁴And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.
Noah is apparently embarressed that his son saw his wang. Why ? the only reason I can think of is it must have been pitifully small. With impeccable logic for Ham peeking at his pecker he curses Canaan who was probably tucked up in a tent in bed.Perhaps Canaan's cock already was greater than granpa's gonads.
²⁵And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
²⁶And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
²⁷God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
There's that fatherly love and fairness to his children all over again, I see why god picked noah now he was nearly as much as an arsehole as god perhaps noah was the only one god could find with a more miniscule member.
²⁸And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.
²⁹And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.