Thursday, 28 February 2008

Genesis 18

Genesis 18

1And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;
What happened to his big house ?
2And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,
A lean mean running machine I bet the sonic boom was heard in Russia.
3And said, My LORD, if now I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant:
4Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:
5And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.
The creator of the universe sits before him, the entity that has promised a kingdom to him and his decendents and all he offers him for a start is a jam butty with no jam.
He then had second thoughts.
6And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth.
7And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hasted to dress it.
As a man less than half as old as Abraham I don't buy it that's an awful lot of running for a man thirty years past his sell by date.
8And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat.
9And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.
10And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.
11Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.
She had been through her change and spent it, her menstrual cycle had suffered total engine failure, her monthly discharge had been discharged, her womb was dead, it had ceased to be, it was an ex womb.
12Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
Is she having a brazillian ?
13And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?
Where did god get this reputation of omniscience he hasn't got a clue ?
14Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.
Yes well he has a totally unblemished record so far............not!
15Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.
16And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.
Because the almighty god needed directions.
17And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;
Asking advice now?
18Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him?
19For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.
You mean just like Adams other descendants ?
20And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;
21I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.
Not sitting up in the sky watching everything they do on a personal basis, is this really the same god as the one people claim today.
22And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom: but Abraham stood yet before the LORD.
23And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?
Hmmm. What do you think?
24Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?
Perhaps rightous meant something different back then ?
25That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?
He can only do right after all he says what is right.
26And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.
Yeah Right !
27And Abraham answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD, which am but dust and ashes:
28Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.
29And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty's sake.
30And he said unto him, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.
31And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the LORD: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty's sake.
32And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.
Is Abraham getting ideas above his station or is he just rambling on to himself in a crazy old man kind of way ?
33And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.
Would that be House or tent?

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Genesis 17

Genesis 17

1And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.

Gods still not got the idea of omniprescience yet has he ?

2And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.

3And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,

Uneven ground plus 99 year old man = Old man flat on his face. I could see it coming why couldn't god ?

4As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

5Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

6And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.

Is it just me but surely poor old Abram could have done with this when he was a tad younger ? About 80 years younger

7And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.

Ah! Now I see he waited till Abram was good and senile so he would just do as he was told and forget about it afterwards. Is "Abraham ancient Hebrew" for Alzheimers by any chance.

8And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.

Or else he will get biblical on their arses.

9And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.

Repeat threat.

10This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

And all it will cost you is the tip of your willie, oh and your dignity.

11And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.

12And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.

Slavery eh ! A token of a kind and loving god who sees equality in all his children.

13He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.

14And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

Whether or not he was on speaking terms with anyone from Abraham's family or household.

15And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

16And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

Just what a 90 year old woman would want. Besides wouldn't a birthing child be in danger of contracting a lung disease? All that dust and cobwebs.

17Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

18And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

19And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.

20And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.

21But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

22And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.

Or on the other hand the poor old sod regained conciousness

23And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

And no one managed to say what?

24And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

His just snapped off.

25And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

26In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son.

27And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.
I am confused was not Ham cursed for seeing his daddies winkie ? So therefore were the circumcisions done blindfolded ?
Couple of questions or maybe just a ramble.
Hagar, Ishmaels mother was Egyptian, The oldest documented evidence for circumcision is from Egypts 6th dynasty(B.C.E2345 - 2181) Was Abram just following the wishes of "his" childs mother ?

Sunday, 24 February 2008


1Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.
2And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.
So Sarai is now a madame.
3And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.
Hang on hang on ! Stop right there ! Ten years ? He was 75 when they left Ur.Time spent in Egypt, going to Canaan,Building a house,managing to acquire at least 160 prostitutes who then give birth to at least 318 boys,raising them to manhood and training them to a higher standard of fighting than the average soldier. I smell bullshit !
4And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.
Because Sarai knew it wouldn't have been Abram's limp dick that did it.
5And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.
6But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.
What a lovely couple.
7And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.
8And he said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? and whither wilt thou go? And she said, I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.
9And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.
There's the voice of a loving God again.
10And the angel of the LORD said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.
11And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.
12And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.
13And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?
His eyesight must be improving, I wonder if he still needs to shave his palms ? 14Wherefore the well was called Beerlahairoi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.
15And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael. 16And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

Genesis 15

Genesis 15

1After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.
Another word for vision is hallucination. Out in the sun too long ?
2And Abram said, LORD God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?
3And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.
Still worrying about his impotence.
4And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.
Not sure how to read that does it mean...

  • A gay lover will be his heir ?
  • Abram will give birth ?
  • His heir will be shit ?

5And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.
6And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.
7And he said unto him, I am the LORD that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it.
8And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?
9And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon.
10And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not.
11And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away.
12And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him.
Yup, sunstroke.
13And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years;
So Abram's hallucination thinks his imaginary descendants are gonna get fucked over. Can you call it a prophecy if it's not recorded till after a coincidental event ?
14And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance.
15And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age.
That could have meant any time soon he was already a good age.
16But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full.
17And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces.
Hallucinating well. Do magic mushrooms grow in Canaan ?
18In the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates:
In his dreams. Literally!
19The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites,
20And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims,
21And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.

Friday, 22 February 2008

Genesis 14

Genesis 14

1And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;
2That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.
So here we have the first instance of probable real history that has a possibility of verification. I say possibity because at this point in time no corroborative texts have been translated. The identity of these cities is also not confirmed but there are some likely candidates.and here
3All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.
4Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
5And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim,
6And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.
7And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.
We also don't have a time frame for this, apart from the bible suggests it is around 1,000-1,200 years after the flood. To me this implies an awful lot of people in a relatively short time, especially as we know that whatever period in history this happened people were living in most places they live today.
8And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;
9With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.
10And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.
Slimepits.... Says alot when you realise this is the first thing in the bible that can be 100% verified. Slimepits are a source of bitumen utilised as morter for building and waterproofing for roofs and boats.
11And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.
12And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.
13And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram.
14And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan.
Nitpicking I know but if the narrative can't get these small facts right how can we have faith in the whole picture ?
Where did this huge house come from ? The last time accommodation was mentioned he was living in a tent. 318 trained servants he must have done some serious pimping, OK if he had at least 160 Ho's and they all gave birth to male twins he could have 318 trained servants and still be under a hundred years old..If my imagination has to stretch much further to fit it all into this mans life my mind will have a hernia.

15And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus.
Now he's a ninja.
16And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.
Note how its Lot,and his goods and oh nearly forgot the women also and the people.As long as lots goods were safe hey.
17And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale.
18And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God.
19And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:
20And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.
21And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself.
22And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,
23That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:
24Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.
So let me get this right Lot and others get taken prisoner his Uncle now brother a herdsman and pimp. Given the information here must have been fast approaching 100 years of age, with a few friends and a previously unmentioned private army is able to succeed in overcome a hostile force and secure the release of aforesaid prisoners where the amassed armies of five cities were unable to do so. He then refuses a just and earned reward . Right that's it I am off to get a truss for my head.

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Genesis 13

Genesis 13

1And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.
He must have taken the long way round Bethel is in the west bank as it is north east of Egypt.
2And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
Pimpin his ho to pharoah really paid well.
3And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Hai;
He must have his map the right way up now wonder how far he got heading south before he realised his mistake.
4Unto the place of the altar, which he had make there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the LORD.
5And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.
6And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.
7And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land.
8And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren.
9Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.
10And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
11Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.
12Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom.
13But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.
I am of the opinion that people are people the world over I don't understand how a whole world or in this case a whole city can be branded as sinful. I also fail to understand how any of the early city states were much different than any of the others. They were all ruled either by their own king or an emporor/king of kings.
14And the LORD said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:
15For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.
16And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.
17Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
Yeah Lot will buy that I mean who wouldn't, after all Abram has never shown himself to be untrustworthy. 18Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Genesis 12

Genesis 12

1Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
So the last person God spoke to in person was Noah since then (over 1,000 years) he waits until Abram has with his parents trekked across to Haran get settled and tells him to move again. Leave yet another City they have been involved in building. Its not as if they could just call Pickfords and shoot over to this other land.
2And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
3And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
Now God seems to think he is a Cheerleader.
4So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
5And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.
6And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land.
7And the LORD appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him.
So this 75 year old man has been told to up roots trek over the complete length of modern Syria with a wife not much younger.
8And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD.
9And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.
10And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land.
Sureley if God told him where to go and he had been that impressed or frightened of De Lawd that he was willing to walk over 500 miles (cue the proclaimers)over hot arid terrain .

1.On arrival Abram would have stayed put.

2.God would have wished him to be comfortable.

11And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon:
Are we now expected to believe Sarai is much younger than Abram I have always been taught she was in her sixties.
12Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive.
Ah! I see it's not Sarai that's barren, it's Abram that can't get it up because he has no balls.
13Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee.
14And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair.
15The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house.
16And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels.
So Abram whored his wife out, after dragging her all that way. Nice man!
17And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife.
Would it not have been easier and nicer to have ensured that the original destination was not in famine ?
18And Pharaoh called Abram and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife?
Because he was a spineless turd and Pharoah was paying well for her services.
19Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.
20And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

Now correct me if I am wrong but I get the distinct impression that this God either coudn,t organise a piss up at a brewery or he is just a sadistic monster, and the great Abram father of the Jewish nation is just a weak willed, impotent abusive and sad little man.

Saturday, 16 February 2008

genesis 11

So we skip back in time and rejoin Noah's offspring with extended ages
1And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.2And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there
Shinar being the historic Sumer now northen Iraq.
3And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter.
4And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.
These ancient people were incredible one family built a boat to contain specimens of all the earths animals for about six months. With the knowledge to adequately ventilate,feed and water said animals and manage the sewage output. Something we would struggle with today, and yet they are building a tower and expect to hit the roof of the world.
5And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.
6And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.
Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.
There's that US again.
8So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city.
9Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.
This seems an odd thing to do if he didn't like it why not just wish it out of existence or just say c'mon peeps doin' that fucks me off, don't do it.
Shit if they was my kids I would just be proud.Wouldn't he have learnt by now man will just discover more to learn about his new enviroment. I suppose it's a bit too much to expect a figment of your imagination too learn by its mistakes?
10These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:11And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.12And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:13And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.14And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber:15And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters.16And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg:17And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters.18And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu:19And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters.20And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug:21And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters.22And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor:23And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.24And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah:25And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.26And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran.
Again with the long list of generations but amazingly now inclusive of women.
27Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot.28And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees.29And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah.30But Sarai was barren; she had no child.31And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there. 32And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Genesis 10

In the King list there is obvious exaggerations of age and it is in essence just a list of names with the odd note telling of changes in the structure of ruling cities and kings, but it contains interest,you read it and feel you have read something of value.

Now we have the biblical equivelent you read this and you've had enough in a few lines you can sum it up as.
Monotany begat tedium begat boredom... yawn.. snore..............

Genesis 10

1Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood. 2The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras. 3And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah. 4And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. 5By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations. 6And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan. 7And the sons of Cush; Seba, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtechah: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan. 8And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth. 9He was a mighty hunter before the LORD: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD. 10And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Calneh, in the land of Shinar. 11Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah, 12And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city. 13And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim,
14And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim. 15And Canaan begat Sidon his first born, and Heth, 16And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite,
17And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite, 18And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.
19And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha.
20These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations. 21Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born. 22The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram. 23And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash. 24And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber. 25And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan. 26And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah, 27And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah, 28And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba, 29And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan. 30And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east. 31These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations. 32These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood.
Nimrod has long been thought of to be the same king as Gilgamesch but why should names change that much. Verse 31 seems to imply that the great great grandsons of Noah were speaking different languages or tongues. Perhaps all that inbreeding had caused malformed mouths, and different branches of the family couldn't understand each other. In the king list cities were built and conquered in the name of the ruling monarch. In the Bible after the food the only men alive are in the list why would they disperse as far as it is reported. Would I be wrong in thinking here that someone is trying to pull a fast one. Or did they really just not get on.

Monday, 11 February 2008

The Sumerian King List

Now before we approach chapter 10 read this.

The Sumerian King List
Is dated by the scribe who wrote it in the reign of King Utukhegal of Erech (Uruk), which places it around 2125 B.C.

The Sumerian King List

1-39After the kingship descended from heaven, the kingship was in Eridug. In Eridug, Alulim became king; he ruled for 28800 years. Alaljar ruled for 36000 years. 2 kings; they ruled for 64800 years. Then Eridug fell and the kingship was taken to Bad-tibira. In Bad-tibira, En-men-lu-ana ruled for 43200 years. En-men-gal-ana ruled for 28800 years. Dumuzid, the shepherd, ruled for 36000 years. 3 kings; they ruled for 108000 years. Then Bad-tibira fell (?) and the kingship was taken to Larag. In Larag, En-sipad-zid-ana ruled for 28800 years.
1 king; he ruled for 28800 years. Then Larag fell (?) and the kingship was taken to Zimbir. In Zimbir, En-men-dur-ana became king; he ruled for 21000 years. 1 king; he ruled for 21000 years. Then Zimbir fell (?) and the kingship was taken to Curuppag. In Curuppag, Ubara-Tutu became king; he ruled for 18600 years. 1 king; he ruled for 18600 years. In 5 cities 8 kings; they ruled for 241200 years. Then the flood swept over."Total: Five Cities, eight kings, reigned 241,200 years.
"The FLOOD then swept over. After the Flood had swept over, and kingship had descended from heaven, Kish became the seat of Kingship. In Kish .... Total:
twenty-three kings, reigned 24,510 years, 3 months, 3 1/2 days. Kish was defeated; its kingship was carried off to Eanna."In Eanna, Meskiaggasher, the son of (the sun god) Utu reigned as En (Priest) and Lugal (King) 324 years--Meskiaggasher entered the sea, ascended the mountains. Enmerkar, the son of Meskiaggasher, the king of erech who had built Erech, reigned 420 years as king. Lugalbanda, the shepherd, reigned 1,200 years. Dumuzi the fisherman, whose city was Kua, reigned 100 years. Gilgamesh, whose father was a nomad (?) reigned 126 years. Urnungal, the son of Gilgamesh, reigned 30 years. Labasher reigned 9 years. Ennundaranna reigned 8 years. Meshede reigned 36 years. Melamanna reigned 6 years. Lugalkidul reigned 36 years. Total: twelve kings, reigned 2,130 years. Erech was defeated, its kingship was carried off to Ur...."

There are older fragments of copies known and also more recent ones where the list is continued. You will note after Gilgamesch the lengths of rule are believable.
Also some translations of different copies will identify Gilgamesch's father as either a spirit or a God.
This no doubt because of the sacred prostitution of the followers of Innana/Ishtar
Lets face it in the Ancient world if you were born out of wedlock you were not called a Bastard you were known as either a Demi God or the son of some god or other.

Sunday, 10 February 2008

Genesis 9

Genesis 9

1And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
God told them to fuck off.
2And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.
3Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
4But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
You would have thought that with the lack of animals around he would have given them manna to eat for a year or so mind you by now there were probably a few hundred evil bunnies.
5And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.
Is he saying he wants blood ? You would have thought he had a world full of it. Maybe he put too much water with it.
6Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
Now I am confused.
7And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
He wants every thing to have lots of sex.
8And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
9And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
10And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
11And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
12And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:

He seems to be saying the descendants of all creatures man included will never drown so is that not an admission that other creatures lived through the flood ?
13I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.
14And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:
15And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
16And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
17And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.
No more floods that lasted a long time didn't it ?
So before the flood light didn't refract through water droplets in the air.
18And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.
19These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.
20And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
The first thing I think I have read that makes sense. But after what happened to Abel I am surprised he planted anything or knowing god firsthand he guessed the senile old twat wouldn't notice.
21And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
22And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
That is the second.
23And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.
Their faces were backward? More than their faces were backward what sons in thier right mind will miss the chance to rip the piss out of thier old man when he's shitfaced ? Something not right about these two boys.
24And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.
Noah is apparently embarressed that his son saw his wang. Why ? the only reason I can think of is it must have been pitifully small. With impeccable logic for Ham peeking at his pecker he curses Canaan who was probably tucked up in a tent in bed.Perhaps Canaan's cock already was greater than granpa's gonads.
25And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
26And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
27God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
There's that fatherly love and fairness to his children all over again, I see why god picked noah now he was nearly as much as an arsehole as god perhaps noah was the only one god could find with a more miniscule member.
28And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.
29And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

Saturday, 9 February 2008

Genesis 8

1And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged;
God forgot Noah ? You would think from his publicity that he was above things like absent mindedness. Mind you that must have been one hell of a fart.
2The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained;
3And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated.
4And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat.
5And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen.
6And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made:
I wonder If the stench of the ark prepared them for the fug of our fathers fart. One does wonder that in a watertight environment with all those millions of occupants how .
1. They didn't suffocate.
2.They could see.

7And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
8Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground;
9But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark.
Doves and pigeons are known for their "homing " abilities whereas Ravens are not that is assuming it survived IF it was a worldwide flood.
10And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark;
11And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth.
Must have been either a fast growing or highly resilient olive tree .
12And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more.
13And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
14And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried.
15And God spake unto Noah, saying,
16Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons' wives with thee.
17Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
18And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him:
19Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark.
20And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
So after going through months struggling to keep all these things alive, He sacrifices them to the arrogant, absent minded, spiteful twat that has killed all his freinds, destroyed his home, made him his wife and children breath the fetid, fecal, fug in a dark cramped enviorement.
21And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.
22While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.
So let's recap
There's this enormous omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent sky dude who existed before anything was anything.One day before there were days he got bored. So for his own entertainment he.....
1. Creates the universe, Light and dark.
2.Creates the earth , seas and all life on earth.
3.Creates the sun, forgets he has already created man and woman and creates another man. Who is wrongly referred to from now on as the first man. Using this man's newly created naievety, god forces this man to tend a garden, for nothing apart from a restricted diet. He then clones the gardener and performs a sex change on the clone.
4.Gives this newly formed clone for some reason an inability to follow orders, an urge to talk instead of a need to communicate and a shape that makes the man think with a different organ than the brain.
5.Is unaware that another of his creations is undermining his orders.
6.Cannot find the man and his clone.
7.Loses his temper when they follow the instincts he designed.
8.Shows favouritism, and again misses what one or two of a handful of people are doing.
9.Gets upset centuries later because people are not doing what he wanted.
10.Didn't see any of this coming.
11. Consistently blamed man for all of his own fuck ups.


At this time although he was powerful to create the earth and all living things his alleged foresight is strangely lacking otherwise he may have realized he would have been better off creating optometrists, massage parlours and prozac first.
There is much of God in all of humanity, not much humanity in God.

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Now let us take a look at some more of the Epic of Gilgamesch



Column I.

(The Cause of the Flood).

2Gilgamish unto him spake, to Uta-Napishtim the Distant:
"Uta-Napishtim, upon thee I gaze, (yet) in no wise thy presence
Strange is, (for) thou art like me, and in no wise different art thou;
5.Thou art like me; (yea) a stomach for fighting doth make thee consummate,
[Aye, and to rest (?)] on thy back thou dost lie. [O tell me (?)], how couldst thou
Stand in th’ Assemblage of Gods to petition for life (everlasting)?"

p. 50

Uta-Napishtim (addressing him thus) unto Gilgamish answer'd:
"Gilgamish, I unto thee will discover the (whole) hidden story,
10.Aye, and the rede of the Gods will I tell thee.
The City Shurippak 1
(O ’tis) a city thou knowest!—is set [on the marge] of Euphrates,
Old is this city, with gods in its midst. (Now), the great gods a deluge
Purposed to bring: . . . . . . there was Anu, their sire; their adviser
Warrior Enlil; Ninurta 2, their herald; their leader(?) Ennugi;
Nin-igi-azag—’tis Ea—, (albeit) conspirator with them,
20.Unto a reed-hut their counsel betray’d he: "O Reed-hut, O Reed-hut!
Wall, wall! Hearken, O Reed-hut, consider, O Wall! O thou Mortal,
Thou of Shurippak, thou scion of Ubara-Tutu, a dwelling
25.Pull down, (and) fashion a vessel (therewith); abandon possessions,
Life do thou seek, (and) thy hoard disregard, and save life; every creature
Make to embark in the vessel. The vessel, which thou art to fashion,
30.Apt be its measure; its beam and its length be in due correspondence,
(Then) [on] the deep do thou launch it." And I—sooth, I apprehending,
(This wise) to Ea, my lord, did I speak: '[See], Lord, what thou sayest
35.Thus, do I honour, I'll do—(but) to city, to people, and elders
Am I, forsooth, to explain?' (Then) Ea made answer in speaking,
Saying to me—me, his henchman!—'Thou mortal, shalt speak to them this wise:
"’Tis me alone (?) whom Enlil so hateth that I in your city
40.No (more) may dwell, nor turn my face unto the land which is Enlil's.
[I will go] down to the Deep, (there) dwelling with Ea, my [liege] lord,
(Wherefore) [on] you will he shower down plenty, yea, fowl [in great number(?)],
45.Booty of fish . . . . [and big] the harvest.
. . . . . . . . causing a plentiful rainfall (?) to come down upon you."' 3


[(Then) when something] of morning had dawn’d . . . .

(Five lines mutilated).

55.Pitch did the children 4 provide, (while) the strong brought [all] that was needful.
(Then) on the fifth day (after) I laid out the 5 shape (of my vessel),
Ten gar each was the height of her sides, in accord with her planning(?),
Ten gar to match was the size of her deck (?), and the shape of the forepart (?)

p. 51

60.Did I lay down, (and) the same did I fashion; (aye), six times cross-pinn’d her,
Sevenfold did I divide her . . . ., divided her inwards
Ninefold: hammer’d the caulking within her, (and) found me a quant-pole,
65.(All) that was needful I added; the hull with six 1 shar of bitumen
Smear’d I, (and) three shar of pitch [did I smear] on the inside; some people,
Bearing a vessel of grease, three shar of it brought (me); (and) one shar
(Out of this) grease did I leave, which the tackling (?) consumed; (and) the boatman
70.Two shar of grease stow’d away; (yea), beeves for the . . . I slaughter’d,
Each day lambs did I slay: mead, beer, oil, wine, too, the workmen
[Drank] as though they were water 2, and made a great feast like the New Year,

(Five mutilated lines "I added salve for the hand(s)," "the vessel was finish’d . . . Shamash the great." "was difficult," " . . ? I caused to bring above and below," "two-thirds of it"):


80.[All I possess’d I] laded aboard her; the silver I laded
All I possess'd; gold, all I possess’d I laded aboard her,
All I possess’d of the seed of all living [I laded aboard] her.
Into the ship I embark’d all my kindred and family (with me),
85.Cattle (and) beasts of the field (and) all handicraftsmen embarking.
(Then) decreed Shamash the hour: " . . . . (?)
Shall in the night let a plentiful rainfall(?) pour down . . . . 2
(Then) do thou enter the vessel, and (straightway) shut down thy hatchway."
90. 3Came (then) that hour (appointed), . . . . . . (?)
Did in the night let a plentiful rainfall(?) pour down . . . . (?)
View’d I the aspect of day: to look on the day bore a horror,
(Wherefore) I enter’d the vessel, and (straightway) shut down my hatchway,
(So, too) to shut down the vessel to Puzur-Amurri (?), the boatman,
95.Did I deliver the poop (of the ship), besides its equipment.


(Then), when something of dawn had appear’d, from out the horizon
Rose a cloud darkling; (lo), Adad (the storm-god) was rumbling within it,
100.Nabu and Sharru were leading the vanguard, and coming as heralds
Over the hills and the levels: (then) Irragal wrench’d out the bollards;
Havoc Ninurta let loose as he came, th’ Anunnaki their torches
105.Brandish’d, and shrivell’d the land with their flames; desolation from Adad
Stretch’d to (high) Heaven, (and) all that was bright was turn’d into darkness.

Here we have a story not of a Worldwide flood but a flood as far as the narrator can tell is more of a local event focused along the banks of the Euphrates.Unlike the biblical account the Ark builder's concerns are his personal possessions.

Which is the most credible, the biblical flood based on this as an unintentional embelleshment, or are they two different floods.

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Genesis 7

1And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
2Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
3Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
4For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
Is this saying the ark was conceived, designed, materials ordered, delivered and constructed in seven days ? Even if it was already built it would take a team of navvies on meth to keep up with the build up of crap after the first six hours.Or has the old twat been at it since he was a young lad of a mere 500
5And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
6And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
By a six hundred year old man ! I am surprised he could remember his own name.
7And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
8Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
All them nooks and crannies bet the were more than two spiders.
9There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
From all over the world ? One things for sure they weren’t using TNT or AmEx for shipping.
10And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
And loaded ?
11In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
12And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
13In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
14They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
15And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
16And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
Is this except the giants ?
17And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.
18And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
19And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
20Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
I am sure the Ark had a depth of 30 cubits, loaded up with all those animals would there be enough displacement for it to float. Have Mountains grown ,15 cubits wouldn’t cover the mountains in Norfolk.(England)
21And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
22All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
23And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
24And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
This is all really dramatic but surely an entity that could wish the universe into existence in seven days, just wish the bad bunnies out of existence or create a disease that only affected the evil things or just made them sterile. Oh sorry I forgot it’s because he gets his jollies from punishment.
Is JHWH some how an ancient word for BDSM ?

Monday, 4 February 2008

Genisis 6

1And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
I could point out that the "men" are the ones breeding but men has to mean humans so no more gay jokes.
2That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
Umm! God had sons? They don't teach us that one. Does that not imply
1. There is at least one Mrs God.
2.Therefore Goddess(es)
3.There must be more Gods even if they are his sons
4. I know we havn't got anywhere near the new testement yet but is there not a line that says something about Gods only Begotten son?

3And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
So God IS Flesh
4There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Fair enough mongrels are genetically superior to pedigrees
5And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
That omniscience is really not what it's made out to be is it
7And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
Beware the evil Bunny his fluffyness will cause you to kill and rape and eat chocolate eggs to celebrate the third full moon following the winter solstice
8But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
"Grace get out of gods eyes......bad dog"

9These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
10And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
From God?
11The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
12And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
13And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

This is a bit extreme to say the least, Ive had shit in my eye and it hurts and having a whole dog in your eye has to be far from pleasant. Kick the dog zap it with lightning understandable but drowning mr and mrs cheesemaker over in basingstoke , not their dog not their doing 14Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.
15And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.
16A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
17And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die.
18But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.
19And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female.
I will concede that in the bronze age that was a big boat . But seriously Ithink it would be a tight squeeze to get all species of bugs let alone elephants and giraffes.
What about food never mind what food becomes after going through animals.And no matter how you try the animals are not going to form an orderly queue to crap over the side. One window one cubit square how is anything going to breathe ?

Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive.
21And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.22Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Sunday, 3 February 2008

Genesis 5

1This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. 3And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: 4And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters: 5And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died. 6And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: 7And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters: 8And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died.
9And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan: 10And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters: 11And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died. 12And Cainan lived seventy years and begat Mahalaleel: 13And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters: 14And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died. 15And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared: 16And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters: 17And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died. 18And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch: 19And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: 20And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died. 21And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah: 22And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: 23And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: 24And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. 25And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech. 26And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters: 27And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died. 28And Lamech lived an hundred eighty and two years, and begat a son: 29And he called his name Noah, saying, This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD hath cursed. 30And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begat sons and daughters: 31And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years: and he died.
32And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
There we have it a list of people living to apparently incredible ages and being sexually active well past their sell by date. This is as far as we know completely unheard of, one of the things creationists use to support their fallacy. Including the 6,000 year age of earth. So is it true ? The Answer quite simply a big NO!!
Well it seems that the ancient people needed to exaggerate the ages of their ancestors. Perhaps some thing to do with your position in society, take a look at the Sumerian King list.

The surviving clay tablet was dated by the scribe who wrote it in the reign of King Utukhegal of Erech (Uruk), which places it around 2125 B.C.E

"After kingship had descended from heaven, Eridu became the seat of kingship. In Eridu Aululim reigned 28,800 years as king. Alalgar reigned 36,000 years. Two kings, reigned 64,800 years. Eridu was abandoned and its kingship was carried off to Bad-tabira. . . .

"Total: Five Cities, eight kings, reigned 241,200 years.

It does continue I will be lookikng at it again later.
There are other fragments dating much older from other copies but all copies essentially steming back to one source.