Tuesday, 20 March 2012

2 Samuel 7

   1And it came to pass, when the king sat in his house, and the LORD had given him rest round about from all his enemies;

De lard gave him rest from all his enemies.
It's more likely David had them all killed. 

   2That the king said unto Nathan the prophet, See now, I dwell in an house of cedar, but the ark of God dwelleth within curtains.

Thats the beauty of gold ...It don't rust.
   3And Nathan said to the king, Go, do all that is in thine heart; for the LORD is with thee.

Are we back to more man on man loving?
   4And it came to pass that night, that the word of the LORD came unto Nathan, saying,
   5Go and tell my servant David, Thus saith the LORD, Shalt thou build me an house for me to dwell in?

The word of de lard came to Nathen? Is Davids semen now the word of de lard?
Oh! Sorry, got carried away there it means Nathan had an idea.
   6Whereas I have not dwelt in any house since the time that I brought up the children of Israel out of Egypt, even to this day, but have walked in a tent and in a tabernacle.
   7In all the places wherein I have walked with all the children of Israel spake I a word with any of the tribes of Israel, whom I commanded to feed my people Israel, saying, Why build ye not me an house of cedar?

Is this all sexual metaphor....He had a floppy tent and now he wants wood?

   8Now therefore so shalt thou say unto my servant David, Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I took thee from the sheepcote, from following the sheep, to be ruler over my people, over Israel:
   9And I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight, and have made thee a great name, like unto the name of the great men that are in the earth.
   10Moreover I will appoint a place for my people Israel, and will plant them, that they may dwell in a place of their own, and move no more; neither shall the children of wickedness afflict them any more, as beforetime,
   11And as since the time that I commanded judges to be over my people Israel, and have caused thee to rest from all thine enemies. Also the LORD telleth thee that he will make thee an house.
   12And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels, and I will establish his kingdom.

There you have it, so next time some one starts quoting leviticus 18:22 you can reply with 2 Samuel 7:12. Cos if that is truly the word of de lard he is talking gay anal creampie and maybe a little felching on the side.  

I see a tattoo and a t shirt in the near future.

I now have a new favourite biblical verse

 It is said that Mohammed frothed at the mouth when he recieved his visions,the most likely explaination is he was epileptic however  knowing now what we do now, it looks like it wasn't froth.

   13He shall build an house for my name, and I will stablish the throne of his kingdom for ever.

Yet another of de lards prophesies that has failed the test of time.
Or perhaps it is one of the many deliberate mis-translations, perhaps it originally said a couple of hours.
   14I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men:
   15But my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before thee.
   16And thine house and thy kingdom shall be established for ever before thee: thy throne shall be established for ever.
   17According to all these words, and according to all this vision, so did Nathan speak unto David.
   18Then went king David in, and sat before the LORD, and he said, Who am I, O Lord GOD? and what is my house, that thou hast brought me hitherto?
   19And this was yet a small thing in thy sight, O Lord GOD; but thou hast spoken also of thy servant's house for a great while to come. And is this the manner of man, O Lord GOD?
   20And what can David say more unto thee? for thou, Lord GOD, knowest thy servant.
   21For thy word's sake, and according to thine own heart, hast thou done all these great things, to make thy servant know them.
   22Wherefore thou art great, O LORD God: for there is none like thee, neither is there any God beside thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears. 

Pardon? " Neither is there any god beside thee?"  So there you have it . There is no god it says so in the bible so it must be true.

   23And what one nation in the earth is like thy people, even like Israel, whom God went to redeem for a people to himself, and to make him a name, and to do for you great things and terrible, for thy land, before thy people, which thou redeemedst to thee from Egypt, from the nations and their gods?
   24For thou hast confirmed to thyself thy people Israel to be a people unto thee for ever: and thou, LORD, art become their God.
   25And now, O LORD God, the word that thou hast spoken concerning thy servant, and concerning his house, establish it for ever, and do as thou hast said.
   26And let thy name be magnified for ever, saying, The LORD of hosts is the God over Israel: and let the house of thy servant David be established before thee.
   27For thou, O LORD of hosts, God of Israel, hast revealed to thy servant, saying, I will build thee an house: therefore hath thy servant found in his heart to pray this prayer unto thee.
   28And now, O Lord GOD, thou art that God, and thy words be true, and thou hast promised this goodness unto thy servant:
   29Therefore now let it please thee to bless the house of thy servant, that it may continue for ever before thee: for thou, O Lord GOD, hast spoken it: and with thy blessing let the house of thy servant be blessed for ever.

Monday, 12 March 2012

2 Samuel 6

   1Again, David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand.
   2And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God, whose name is called by the name of the LORD of hosts that dwelleth between the cherubims.

Funny never thought of cherubims as thighs before.
   3And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart.
   4And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab which was at Gibeah, accompanying the ark of God: and Ahio went before the ark.
   5And David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals.
   6And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.
   7And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God.

Anger of de lard.....No. Just stored electricity...Physics not meta-physics.
   8And David was displeased, because the LORD had made a breach upon Uzzah: and he called the name of the place Perezuzzah to this day.
   9And David was afraid of the LORD that day, and said, How shall the ark of the LORD come to me?
   10So David would not remove the ark of the LORD unto him into the city of David: but David carried it aside into the house of Obededom the Gittite.

Obededom the Gittite? whose writing this, Douglas Adams or Spike Milligan?
   11And the ark of the LORD continued in the house of Obededom the Gittite three months: and the LORD blessed Obededom, and all his household.

If it was wired up correctly it could be most beneficial.
   12And it was told king David, saying, The LORD hath blessed the house of Obededom, and all that pertaineth unto him, because of the ark of God. So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obededom into the city of David with gladness.

It's no good, now I am having a Homer Simpson moment..."#Obededom,# Obededom,# Obedee dom,#Dom, "

   13And it was so, that when they that bare the ark of the LORD had gone six paces, he sacrificed oxen and fatlings.

#Obededom,# Obededom,#  Maybe not that tuneful but now it's there I can't get it out of my head.
Knew I knew it. Black Sabbath.. Children of the grave

   14And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.

Just the apron?
I suppose the rest of the french maids outfit hadn't been invented yet. Then again that was supposed to be true of the leyden jar.
   15So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.

And yet no walls fell down!!
   16And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul's daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

I wouldn't want him, or any man in my heart. It wouyld be fucking uncomfortable. I can think of two or three far better places to put a man.
   17And they brought in the ark of the LORD, and set it in his place, in the midst of the tabernacle that David had pitched for it: and David offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD.

Peace offerings, you gotta laugh............and the next war begins in 10....9......

   18And as soon as David had made an end of offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD of hosts.
   19And he dealt among all the people, even among the whole multitude of Israel, as well to the women as men, to every one a cake of bread, and a good piece of flesh, and a flagon of wine. So all the people departed every one to his house.

Fuck me! They never mentioned that in sunday school. 
As well as being a raving homosexuel David was a drug dealer and a pimp.

   20Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!

I thought nakedness was a no no since noah got pissed(drunk for you americans) Not to mention fig leaves and Eden.
   21And David said unto Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel: therefore will I play before the LORD.
   22And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour.
   23Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

Now did she not concieve because
a] Handmaids
c] He turned her over and pretended she was her brother