Friday, 30 December 2011

1 Samuel 29

 

 

Sorry about the long wait,but I have been so fucking busy.

 

 

1Now the Philistines gathered together all their armies to Aphek: and the Israelites pitched by a fountain which is in Jezreel. 
   2And the lords of the Philistines passed on by hundreds, and by thousands: but David and his men passed on in the rereward with Achish.

It just doesn't stop does it. David and his men rereward(rearward in modern english)

 

   3Then said the princes of the Philistines, What do these Hebrews here? And Achish said unto the princes of the Philistines, Is not this David, the servant of Saul the king of Israel, which hath been with me these days, or these years, and I have found no fault in him since he fell unto me unto this day.

If you fall do you not go down?
 
   4And the princes of the Philistines were wroth with him; and the princes of the Philistines said unto him, Make this fellow return, that he may go again to his place which thou hast appointed him, and let him not go down with us to battle, lest in the battle he be an adversary to us: for wherewith should he reconcile himself unto his master? should it not be with the heads of these men?
   5Is not this David, of whom they sang one to another in dances, saying, Saul slew his thousands, and David his ten thousands?
   6Then Achish called David, and said unto him, Surely, as the LORD liveth, thou hast been upright, and thy going out and thy coming in with me in the host is good in my sight: for I have not found evil in thee since the day of thy coming unto me unto this day: nevertheless the lords favour thee not.

See it is not just my warped mind.

 
Seriously though, which god is Achish talking about? Is it Moloch, Baal or Yhwh? or could it be he sees them as one and the same?

   7Wherefore now return, and go in peace, that thou displease not the lords of the Philistines.
   8And David said unto Achish, But what have I done? and what hast thou found in thy servant so long as I have been with thee unto this day, that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?
   9And Achish answered and said to David, I know that thou art good in my sight, as an angel of God: notwithstanding the princes of the Philistines have said, He shall not go up with us to the battle.
   10Wherefore now rise up early in the morning with thy master's servants that are come with thee: and as soon as ye be up early in the morning, and have light, depart.
   11So David and his men rose up early to depart in the morning, to return into the land of the Philistines. And the Philistines went up to Jezreel.

Which beggers the questions......How do you Jezreel? and why must you go up to do it?

Friday, 21 October 2011

1 Samuel 28


   1And it came to pass in those days, that the Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men.
   2And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. And Achish said to David, Therefore will I make thee keeper of mine head for ever.

It's really not me,for it is written.
 
   3Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land.
   4And the Philistines gathered themselves together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and Saul gathered all Israel together, and they pitched in Gilboa.
   5And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled.

Showing a lot of faith in de lard ther Saul.
 
   6And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

 Shame no mobile phones, perhaps de lard was asleep or busy


   7Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.

So Saul kicks out all the women with "familiar spirits" and then promptly finds one, sounds like his decrees are as effective as his invisible freind's
 

   8And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee.
   9And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

   10And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.

Some questions here.
1. She did not know Saul was Saul, so why should she believe him? In fact why should she trust him even if she did see through his "disguise"?
2.Assuming from christian teaching she would come under the blanket of people wrongly called witch. Is there not a couple of rules regarding people of her profession within the laws of Moses.
Exodus 22:18, Although witch in this instance meant poisoner.
Duet 18:10
and also in 1 Samuel 15:23
 
   11Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
   12And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.
   13And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

"Gods" again the bible states there are multiple gods

   14And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself

The tenets of cold reading, posibly the greatest skill of a good "Medium". or any other form of con artist.





   15And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.
   16Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
   17And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David:
   18Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day.
   19Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.
   20Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.
   21And the woman came unto Saul, and saw that he was sore troubled, and said unto him, Behold, thine handmaid hath obeyed thy voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto thy words which thou spakest unto me.

For some reason Phil Collins has just jumped into my head.

It really is no wonder Saul is losing his country, as crap kings go he must rate as one of the crappiest.
 
   22Now therefore, I pray thee, hearken thou also unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before thee; and eat, that thou mayest have strength, when thou goest on thy way.
   23But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, together with the woman, compelled him; and he hearkened unto their voice. So he arose from the earth, and sat upon the bed.
   24And the woman had a fat calf in the house; and she hasted, and killed it, and took flour, and kneaded it, and did bake unleavened bread thereof:
   25And she brought it before Saul, and before his servants; and they did eat. Then they rose up, and went away that night.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

1 Samuel 27


   1And David said in his heart, I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul: there is nothing better for me than that I should speedily escape into the land of the Philistines; and Saul shall despair of me, to seek me any more in any coast of Israel: so shall I escape out of his hand.

So David has finally realised that Saul cannot be trusted, but is going to hide with the Philistines?
The people he has had a number of successful battles with and been a pain the their collective arses.
 
   2And David arose, and he passed over with the six hundred men that were with him unto Achish, the son of Maoch, king of Gath.

Achis? Achis who?

   3And David dwelt with Achish at Gath, he and his men, every man with his household, even David with his two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the Carmelitess, Nabal's wife.
   4And it was told Saul that David was fled to Gath: and he sought no more again for him.
   5And David said unto Achish, If I have now found grace in thine eyes, let them give me a place in some town in the country, that I may dwell there: for why should thy servant dwell in the royal city with thee?

Give him?
The Philistines are cast as the bad guy's again and again throughout the David saga and also in later books. They are at least part of the ancestry of present day Palestine  Their name has come to mean uncultured and even anti culture and yet archeology has drawn different conclusions.
 
   6Then Achish gave him Ziklag that day: wherefore Ziklag pertaineth unto the kings of Judah unto this day.
   7And the time that David dwelt in the country of the Philistines was a full year and four months.
   8And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.
   9And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

Yet another "hero" committing theft and genocide. What the fuck is wrong with these people?
   10And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.
   11And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwelleth in the country of the Philistines.
   12And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever.

Monday, 3 October 2011

1 Samuel 26

  1And the Ziphites came unto Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon?    2Then Saul arose, and went down to the wilderness of Ziph, having three thousand chosen men of Israel with him, to seek David in the wilderness of Ziph.
   3And Saul pitched in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon, by the way. But David abode in the wilderness, and he saw that Saul came after him into the wilderness.

Hang on, hang on, stop right there.

The last time we saw Saul and David meet, they came to a truce, an uneasy truce I grant you,but Saul had agreed to let David be. 

   4David therefore sent out spies, and understood that Saul was come in very deed.
   5And David arose, and came to the place where Saul had pitched: and David beheld the place where Saul lay, and Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his host: and Saul lay in the trench, and the people pitched round about him.

Aaarrggghh! There it goes again more smut and innuendo.
 
   6Then answered David and said to Ahimelech the Hittite, and to Abishai the son of Zeruiah, brother to Joab, saying, Who will go down with me to Saul to the camp? And Abishai said, I will go down with thee.
   7So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him.
   8Then said Abishai to David, God hath delivered thine enemy into thine hand this day: now therefore let me smite him, I pray thee, with the spear even to the earth at once, and I will not smite him the second time.


What? David could have killed him in chapter 24, while Saul was taking a shit.
 
   9And David said to Abishai, Destroy him not: for who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD's anointed, and be guiltless?
   10David said furthermore, As the LORD liveth, the LORD shall smite him; or his day shall come to die; or he shall descend into battle, and perish.
   11The LORD forbid that I should stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed: but, I pray thee, take thou now the spear that is at his bolster, and the cruse of water, and let us go.

How things have changed. In my circle of freinds nothing is sacred, you count yourself lucky if all you do is find a rude word in indellible ink scrawled across your forehead losing a spear and a drink is nothing.


   12So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them.

I have to ask has Saul got really crap guards or is David actually a ninja?
 
   13Then David went over to the other side, and stood on the top of an hill afar off; a great space being between them:
   14And David cried to the people, and to Abner the son of Ner, saying, Answerest thou not, Abner? Then Abner answered and said, Who art thou that criest to the king?
   15And David said to Abner, Art not thou a valiant man? and who is like to thee in Israel? wherefore then hast thou not kept thy lord the king? for there came one of the people in to destroy the king thy lord.
   16This thing is not good that thou hast done. As the LORD liveth, ye are worthy to die, because ye have not kept your master, the LORD's anointed. And now see where the king's spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his bolster.
   17And Saul knew David's voice, and said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And David said, It is my voice, my lord, O king.
   18And he said, Wherefore doth my lord thus pursue after his servant? for what have I done? or what evil is in mine hand?
   19Now therefore, I pray thee, let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the LORD have stirred thee up against me, let him accept an offering: but if they be the children of men, cursed be they before the LORD; for they have driven me out this day from abiding in the inheritance of the LORD, saying, Go, serve other gods.
   20Now therefore, let not my blood fall to the earth before the face of the LORD: for the king of Israel is come out to seek a flea, as when one doth hunt a partridge in the mountains.
   21Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.
   22And David answered and said, Behold the king's spear! and let one of the young men come over and fetch it.
   23The LORD render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness; for the LORD delivered thee into my hand to day, but I would not stretch forth mine hand against the LORD's anointed.
   24And, behold, as thy life was much set by this day in mine eyes, so let my life be much set by in the eyes of the LORD, and let him deliver me out of all tribulation.
   25Then Saul said to David, Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.

From chapter 24
  14After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.    15The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.    16And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.    17And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.    18And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.    19For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.    20And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.    21Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.    22And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.

This has to be a rehashing of the same tale in chapter 24 Saul totally and without knowing is at Davids mercy. David spares him and after Saul admits he has been a naughty boy they then kiss and make up.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

1 Samuel 25




   1And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.
   2And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.
   3Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

Hmmm.

   4And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.

Shear not share?

   5And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name:
   6And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.



Call me cynical, but I think this greeting, combined with the proximity of a beautiful woman has sealed Nabals fate.
 
   7And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.
   8Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
   9And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased.
   10And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
   11Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 

Didn't the laws of Moses say he should welcom strangers, travellers and fellow Israelites? He should be careful or he may bring the wrath of de lard on himself.
 
   12So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
   13And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Buggar me the numbers of men are for once consistant.


   14But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them.
   15But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:
   16They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
   17Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

In modern parlance being a child of Belial would equate to "worthless, untrustworthy sonnofabitch"
 
   18Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 
   19And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

Without her husbands knowledge and permission, ooh dear if he finds out she could get stoned and not in a good way.
 
   20And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
   21Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
   22So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

What? 
The NLT has this

20 As she was riding her donkey into a mountain ravine, she saw David and his men coming toward her. 21 David had just been saying, “A lot of good it did to help this fellow. We protected his flocks in the wilderness, and nothing he owned was lost or stolen. But he has repaid me evil for good.  
22 May God strike me and kill me[c] if even one man of his household is still alive tomorrow morning!”

That is clearer, but no mention of pissing up a wall.
 
23And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
   24And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
   25Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.
   26Now therefore, my lord, as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.
   27And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord.
   28I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days

So David's relationship with Johnathen was either not public knowledge or was not seen as a bad thing..



   29Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling.

NLT has this

   29 “Even when you are chased by those who seek to kill you, your life is safe in the care of the Lord your God, secure in his treasure pouch.

Bundle of life or trasure pouch? Perhaps posing pouch would be a better translation?

   30And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
   31That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.
   32And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
   33And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
   34For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
   35So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
   36And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.



   37But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.
   38And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

I said that would happen, fuck me I am a prophet!
 
   39And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
   40And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.
   41And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
   42And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.
   43David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.
   44But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

Friday, 23 September 2011

1 Samuel 24

   1And it came to pass, when Saul was returned from following the Philistines, that it was told him, saying, Behold, David is in the wilderness of Engedi.

   2Then Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men upon the rocks of the wild goats.
   3And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave.

If youy can't be bothered to click on the link "cover his feet" means going for a crap. You would have thought someone of his station would have been more careful.



   4And the men of David said unto him, Behold the day of which the LORD said unto thee, Behold, I will deliver thine enemy into thine hand, that thou mayest do to him as it shall seem good unto thee. Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily.
   5And it came to pass afterward, that David's heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul's skirt.
   6And he said unto his men, The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD's anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.
   7So David stayed his servants with these words, and suffered them not to rise against Saul. But Saul rose up out of the cave, and went on his way.
   8David also arose afterward, and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king. And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself. 
   9And David said to Saul, Wherefore hearest thou men's words, saying, Behold, David seeketh thy hurt?
   10Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD's anointed.
   11Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it.

I was wondering why David was close enough to Saul to quite literally smell him, and only cuts a bit of his skirt? I was thinking what did he do with it. The only use I could think of was to pass it to Saul so he could wipe his arse.

   12The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   13As saith the proverb of the ancients, Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
   14After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.
   15The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.
   16And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.
   17And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.
   18And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.
   19For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.
   20And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in thine hand.
   21Swear now therefore unto me by the LORD, that thou wilt not cut off my seed after me, and that thou wilt not destroy my name out of my father's house.
   22And David sware unto Saul. And Saul went home; but David and his men gat them up unto the hold.
Smooth talkin bastard. Still smells like bullshit to me but it may just have been Sauls feet.



Thursday, 22 September 2011

1 Samuel 23

s   1Then they told David, saying, Behold, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshingfloors.

Would "They". Have been so ready to complain if they behaved like the Israelites and "killed every living thing, instead of the sweepings off the threshing floors?

   2Therefore David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah.

So, here we are not two chapters away from David losing the plot and surprise surprise David is not only talking to de lard but hearing his replies too. It continually amazes me, that, as the most studied book in the world, the so called learned scolars have missed so much. So many things attributed to the power and wisdom of de lard and yet so many of his "leader's" are suffering from obvious and acute  delusions.

   3And David's men said unto him, Behold, we be afraid here in Judah: how much more then if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?

   4Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said, Arise, go down to Keilah; for I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand.


   5So David and his men went to Keilah, and fought with the Philistines, and brought away their cattle, and smote them with a great slaughter. So David saved the inhabitants of Keilah.


   6And it came to pass, when Abiathar the son of Ahimelech fled to David to Keilah, that he came down with an ephod in his hand.


   7And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars

Saul thinks god is with him, David thinks god is on his side.  I think at least one of these nutjobs believers is mistaken.

  8And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.


   9And David knew that Saul secretly practised mischief against him; and he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring hither the ephod.

"secretly practised mischief" Is this meaning the public demand for the death of David or has Saul developed a crush on his son's lover?
   10Then said David, O LORD God of Israel, thy servant hath certainly heard that Saul seeketh to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake

Hmm unless it is sexual desire I think the secret is out.
 .
   11Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? will Saul come down, as thy servant hath heard? O LORD God of Israel, I beseech thee, tell thy servant. And the LORD said, He will come down.

   12Then said David, Will the men of Keilah deliver me and my men into the hand of Saul? And the LORD said, They will deliver thee up.

So is de lard on David's side as he thinks? Maybe after all he has just pointed out that the people of Keilah are true Israelites and true to thier heritage, cannot be trusted, even when owing a huge debt. 

   13Then David and his men, which were about six hundred, arose and departed out of Keilah, and went whithersoever they could go. 

Hang on....


....David and his "troops"m have just fought a bloody battle with the philistines and yet instead of showing losses his army has now increased by 50%. Ah well if you can put lipstick on a pig I suppose you can dress cows in armour.

And it was told Saul that David was escaped from Keilah; and he forbare to go forth.
   14And David abode in the wilderness in strong holds, and remained in a mountain in the wilderness of Ziph. And Saul sought him every day, but God delivered him not into his hand.

Of course that explains Davids madness he has caught Ziph  ilous.
Sorry about that.
 
   15And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life: and David was in the wilderness of Ziph in a wood.
   16And Jonathan Saul's son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.

As soon as those two get together its sex sex sex.
 
   17And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth.
   18And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.

Fuck they have turned into Robin Hood and Maid Marion
 

   19Then came up the Ziphites to Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself with us in strong holds in the wood, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of Jeshimon?
   20Now therefore, O king, come down according to all the desire of thy soul to come down; and our part shall be to deliver him into the king's hand.
   21And Saul said, Blessed be ye of the LORD; for ye have compassion on me

The belief Saul and David have that de lard will see them right because they believe in him, is a prime example that belief achieves nothing..


   22Go, I pray you, prepare yet, and know and see his place where his haunt is, and who hath seen him there: for it is told me that he dealeth very subtilly.
   23See therefore, and take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself, and come ye again to me with the certainty, and I will go with you: and it shall come to pass, if he be in the land, that I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah.
   24And they arose, and went to Ziph before Saul: but David and his men were in the wilderness of Maon, in the plain on the south of Jeshimon.
   25Saul also and his men went to seek him. And they told David; wherefore he came down into a rock, and abode in the wilderness of Maon. And when Saul heard that, he pursued after David in the wilderness of Maon.
   26And Saul went on this side of the mountain, and David and his men on that side of the mountain: and David made haste to get away for fear of Saul; for Saul and his men compassed David and his men round about to take them.
   27But there came a messenger unto Saul, saying, Haste thee, and come; for the Philistines have invaded the land.

I was thinking it was unwise to be involved in petty local squabbles when the Philistines were knocking at the door.
   28Wherefore Saul returned from pursuing after David, and went against the Philistines: therefore they called that place Selahammahlekoth.
   29And David went up from thence, and dwelt in strong holds at Engedi.

Saturday, 10 September 2011

1 Samuel 22









This would have been posted almost two weeks ago, but I could not get on to my site. All seems ok now.

   1David therefore departed thence, and escaped to the cave Adullam: and when his brethren and all his father's house heard it, they went down thither to him.

So has David shat himself and run away, or was it was a cunning plan? Knowing the traditional behaviour of his people I must confess I really don't know. It could be either.

   2And every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented, gathered themselves unto him; and he became a captain over them: and there were with him about four hundred men.

I can feel his pride over the centuries, David ,Captain of the malcontents.

   3And David went thence to Mizpeh of Moab: and he said unto the king of Moab, Let my father and my mother, I pray thee, come forth, and be with you, till I know what God will do for me.

   4And he brought them before the king of Moab: and they dwelt with him all the while that David was in the hold.

   5And the prophet Gad said unto David, Abide not in the hold; depart, and get thee into the land of Judah. Then David departed, and came into the forest of Hareth.

   6When Saul heard that David was discovered, and the men that were with him, (now Saul abode in Gibeah under a tree in Ramah, having his spear in his hand, and all his servants were standing about him;)

I can't help it, all I see is gay innuendo

   7Then Saul said unto his servants that stood about him, Hear now, ye Benjamites; will the son of Jesse give every one of you fields and vineyards, and make you all captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds;

   8That all of you have conspired against me, and there is none that sheweth me that my son hath made a league with the son of Jesse, and there is none of you that is sorry for me, or sheweth unto me that my son hath stirred up my servant against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

   9Then answered Doeg the Edomite, which was set over the servants of Saul, and said, I saw the son of Jesse coming to Nob, to Ahimelech the son of Ahitub.

Just as I read that a fly crawled over the word "to".......innuendo

   10And he enquired of the LORD for him, and gave him victuals, and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.

I have recently been accused of just mocking the bible...this mocks itself.

   11Then the king sent to call Ahimelech the priest, the son of Ahitub, and all his father's house, the priests that were in Nob: and they came all of them to the king.

Talk about LMAO.  Iam crying here...fuck it hurts.

   12And Saul said, Hear now, thou son of Ahitub. And he answered, Here I am, my lord.

   13And Saul said unto him, Why have ye conspired against me, thou and the son of Jesse, in that thou hast given him bread, and a sword, and hast enquired of God for him, that he should rise against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

I need to pull myself together I just read "bread" as "head".

   14Then Ahimelech answered the king, and said, And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David, which is the king's son in law, and goeth at thy bidding, and is honourable in thine house?

   15Did I then begin to enquire of God for him? be it far from me: let not the king impute any thing unto his servant, nor to all the house of my father: for thy servant knew nothing of all this, less or more.
   16And the king said, Thou shalt surely die, Ahimelech, thou, and all thy father's house.

   17And the king said unto the footmen that stood about him, Turn, and slay the priests of the LORD: because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not shew it to me. But the servants of the king would not put forth their hand to fall upon the priests of the LORD.

   18And the king said to Doeg, Turn thou, and fall upon the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned, and he fell upon the priests, and slew on that day fourscore and five persons that did wear a linen ephod.

So the magical apron of delard offered as much protection as I expected.

   19And Nob, the city of the priests, smote he with the edge of the sword, both men and women, children and sucklings, and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword.

Yes! there is nothing like a massacre of a whole city for gaining support.

   20And one of the sons of Ahimelech the son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped, and fled after David.
   21And Abiathar shewed David that Saul had slain the LORD's priests.

   22And David said unto Abiathar, I knew it that day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, that he would surely tell Saul: I have occasioned the death of all the persons of thy father's house.

   23Abide thou with me, fear not: for he that seeketh my life seeketh thy life: but with me thou shalt be in safeguard.

So David has about four hundred men(401) and expects to be victorious over an army that has just laid waste to a city.....

Thursday, 18 August 2011

1 Samuel 21


 1Then came David to Nob to Ahimelech the priest: and Ahimelech was afraid at the meeting of David, and said unto him, Why art thou alone, and no man with thee? 

 I shall resist all the Nob jokes that flooded my mind
 
 2And David said unto Ahimelech the priest, The king hath commanded me a business, and hath said unto me, Let no man know any thing of the business whereabout I send thee, and what I have commanded thee: and I have appointed my servants to such and such a place.
 3Now therefore what is under thine hand? give me five loaves of bread in mine hand, or what there is present. 
 
 4And the priest answered David, and said, There is no common bread under mine hand, but there is hallowed bread; if the young men have kept themselves at least from women.

 So hallowed bread is ok " if the young men have kept themselves at least from women. " implying not keeping themselves from men is Ok!
 5And David answered the priest, and said unto him, Of a truth women have been kept from us about these three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and the bread is in a manner common, yea, though it were sanctified this day in the vessel. 

The N I V. has no mention of three days

5 David replied, “Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever[
b] I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!” 6 So the priest gave him the consecrated bread, since there was no bread there except the bread of the Presence that had been removed from before the LORD and replaced by hot bread on the day it was taken away. 


  6So the priest gave him hallowed bread: for there was no bread there but the shewbread, that was taken from before the LORD, to put hot bread in the day when it was taken away. 

Again more than a subtle implication David and his men kept away from women.

 7Now a certain man of the servants of Saul was there that day, detained before the LORD; and his name was Doeg, an Edomite, the chiefest of the herdmen that belonged to Saul. 

 8And David said unto Ahimelech, And is there not here under thine hand spear or sword? for I have neither brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king's business required haste.

So what does Doeg have to do with anything?  Perhaps he is just a"previously unknown member of the cast"?

 9And the priest said, The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom thou slewest in the valley of Elah, behold, it is here wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod: if thou wilt take that, take it: for there is no other save that here. And David said, There is none like that; give it me. 

 10And David arose and fled that day for fear of Saul, and went to Achish the king of Gath. 

 11And the servants of Achish said unto him, Is not this David the king of the land? did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands? 

 12And David laid up these words in his heart, and was sore afraid of Achish the king of Gath.

David the "king", the man with de lard at his side is afraid.........

 13And he changed his behaviour before them, and feigned himself mad in their hands, and scrabbled on the doors of the gate, and let his spittle fall down upon his beard.

Seems he was terrified, so terrified he appeared irrational.


 14Then said Achish unto his servants, Lo, ye see the man is mad: wherefore then have ye brought him to me? 

 15Have I need of mad men, that ye have brought this fellow to play the mad man in my presence? shall this fellow come into my house?

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

1 Samuel 20


 1And David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said before Jonathan, What have I done? what is mine iniquity? and what is my sin before thy father, that he seeketh my life?
 2And he said unto him, God forbid; thou shalt not die: behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will shew it me: and why should my father hide this thing from me? it is not so.
 3And David sware moreover, and said, Thy father certainly knoweth that I have found grace in thine eyes; and he saith, Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved: but truly as the LORD liveth, and as thy soul liveth, there is but a step between me and death.

Let us look again at the reasons for Sauls hatred of David. I think it must be more than just jealousy. Let us cast our minds back to the relationship between Samuel and Saul, a relationship that obviously had a physical factor. Was it an abusive relationship ? Does Saul feel guilty and ashamed of the physical relationship that he had, and can see the love between Johnathan and David ? Is it that he wishes to protect Johnathan from the shame that he feels?

 4Then said Jonathan unto David, Whatsoever thy soul desireth, I will even do it for thee.

 5And David said unto Jonathan, Behold, to morrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat: but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at even.

Passing thought........Gone for three days then to return...........Reminds me of something!!
 
 6If thy father at all miss me, then say, David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city: for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.

Bethlehem Hmmm!
 
 7If he say thus, It is well; thy servant shall have peace: but if he be very wroth, then be sure that evil is determined by him.
 8Therefore thou shalt deal kindly with thy servant; for thou hast brought thy servant into a covenant of the LORD with thee: notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me thyself; for why shouldest thou bring me to thy father?
 9And Jonathan said, Far be it from thee: for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon thee, then would not I tell it thee?
 10Then said David to Jonathan, Who shall tell me? or what if thy father answer thee roughly?
 11And Jonathan said unto David, Come, and let us go out into the field. And they went out both of them into the field.
 12And Jonathan said unto David, O LORD God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about to morrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto thee, and shew it thee;
 13The LORD do so and much more to Jonathan: but if it please my father to do thee evil, then I will shew it thee, and send thee away, that thou mayest go in peace: and the LORD be with thee, as he hath been with my father.
 14And thou shalt not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the LORD, that I die not:
 15But also thou shalt not cut off thy kindness from my house for ever: no, not when the LORD hath cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth.
 16So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, Let the LORD even require it at the hand of David's enemies.
 17And Jonathan caused David to swear again, because he loved him: for he loved him as he loved his own soul.
 18Then Jonathan said to David, To morrow is the new moon: and thou shalt be missed, because thy seat will be empty.
 19And when thou hast stayed three days, then thou shalt go down quickly, and come to the place where thou didst hide thyself when the business was in hand, and shalt remain by the stone Ezel.
 20And I will shoot three arrows on the side thereof, as though I shot at a mark.
 21And, behold, I will send a lad, saying, Go, find out the arrows. If I expressly say unto the lad, Behold, the arrows are on this side of thee, take them; then come thou: for there is peace to thee, and no hurt; as the LORD liveth.
 22But if I say thus unto the young man, Behold, the arrows are beyond thee; go thy way: for the LORD hath sent thee away.
 23And as touching the matter which thou and I have spoken of, behold, the LORD be between thee and me for ever.
 24So David hid himself in the field: and when the new moon was come, the king sat him down to eat meat.
 25And the king sat upon his seat, as at other times, even upon a seat by the wall: and Jonathan arose, and Abner sat by Saul's side, and David's place was empty.
 26Nevertheless Saul spake not any thing that day: for he thought, Something hath befallen him, he is not clean; surely he is not clean.
 27And it came to pass on the morrow, which was the second day of the month, that David's place was empty: and Saul said unto Jonathan his son, Wherefore cometh not the son of Jesse to meat, neither yesterday, nor to day?
 28And Jonathan answered Saul, David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem:
 29And he said, Let me go, I pray thee; for our family hath a sacrifice in the city; and my brother, he hath commanded me to be there: and now, if I have found favour in thine eyes, let me get away, I pray thee, and see my brethren. Therefore he cometh not unto the king's table.
 30Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness?

Just blame the mother it must be her fault. After all Hebrew women were renowned for their outspoken and forthright ways!!!?





Confused?, Never Confused.
 
 31For as long as the son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy kingdom. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.
 32And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done?
 33And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David.
 34So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his father had done him shame.
 35And it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time appointed with David, and a little lad with him.
 36And he said unto his lad, Run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. And as the lad ran, he shot an arrow beyond him.
 37And when the lad was come to the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan cried after the lad, and said, Is not the arrow beyond thee?
 38And Jonathan cried after the lad, Make speed, haste, stay not. And Jonathan's lad gathered up the arrows, and came to his master.
 39But the lad knew not any thing: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.
 40And Jonathan gave his artillery unto his lad, and said unto him, Go, carry them to the city.
 41And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another, until David exceeded. 

Ejaculated?
 
 42And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, The LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever. And he arose and departed: and Jonathan went into the city.

Seems to blow this idea that de lard hates fags bullshit, right out of the water.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

1 Samuel 19



 1And Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David.
 2But Jonathan Saul's son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself:
 3And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee.

These are basic facts of life...Not all parents will like thier childrens freinds, but should they choose to try and intervene in the relationship, the child will inadvertantly choose thier freindship over thier relationship with thier parents. These facts are multiplied in intensity when the friend in question is a (potential) lover.
 
 4And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good:
 5For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the LORD wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice: wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?
 6And Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain.
 7And Jonathan called David, and Jonathan shewed him all those things. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past.
 8And there was war again: and David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter; and they fled from him.
 9And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand.

"And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul" There again with these "evil spirits"from de lard.



 10And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall: and David fled, and escaped that night.

"Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not be slain".So Saul's promises are as binding as de lards.
 11Saul also sent messengers unto David's house, to watch him, and to slay him in the morning: and Michal David's wife told him, saying, If thou save not thy life to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain.
 12So Michal let David down through a window: and he went, and fled, and escaped.
 13And Michal took an image, and laid it in the bed, and put a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster, and covered it with a cloth.
 14And when Saul sent messengers to take David, she said, He is sick.
 15And Saul sent the messengers again to see David, saying, Bring him up to me in the bed, that I may slay him. 

Is Saul senile,stoned or just lying when he said he would not slay David.
 
 16And when the messengers were come in, behold, there was an image in the bed, with a pillow of goats' hair for his bolster.
 17And Saul said unto Michal, Why hast thou deceived me so, and sent away mine enemy, that he is escaped? And Michal answered Saul, He said unto me, Let me go; why should I kill thee?
 18So David fled, and escaped, and came to Samuel to Ramah, and told him all that Saul had done to him. And he and Samuel went and dwelt in Naioth.

 19And it was told Saul, saying, Behold, David is at Naioth in Ramah.
 20And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied.
 21And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also.
 22Then went he also to Ramah, and came to a great well that is in Sechu: and he asked and said, Where are Samuel and David? And one said, Behold, they be at Naioth in Ramah.
 23And he went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied, until he came to Naioth in Ramah.
 24And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?

All this prophesieing, There must be some strong psychtropic plants growing around there.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

1 Samuel 18

 1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.  
2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family.  
3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.
4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

So now  have we moved on from the love affair between Samuel and Saul, to another.

 5 Whatever mission Saul sent him on, David was so successful that Saul gave him a high rank in the army. This pleased all the troops, and Saul’s officers as well.
 6 When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres.
7 As they danced, they sang:
   “Saul has slain his thousands,
   and David his tens of thousands.”
 8 Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” 9 And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David.
 10 The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand 11 and he hurled it, saying to himself, “I’ll pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice.

So de lard is sending evil spirits, in a while once the Romans get a hold on these scriptures they will blame the adversary Satan for sending "evil" Whereas in this instance at least, it is obvious that Saul was in a jealous rage.

 12 Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with David but had departed from Saul

So de lard is sending "evil spirits" to get Saul to kill David and yet at the same time is "with David".Alzheimers or schizophrenia?
 

13 So he sent David away from him and gave him command over a thousand men, and David led the troops in their campaigns.  
14 In everything he did he had great success, because the LORD was with him.

Because no general throughout the worlds history had any success without the backing of de lard, except for, the likes of Hannibal, Alexander,Julius Ceaser,Genghis Khan, Boadicea and Attila, to name but a few.
 
15 When Saul saw how successful he was, he was afraid of him.  
16 But all Israel and Judah loved David, because he led them in their campaigns.
 17 Saul said to David, “Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the LORD.” For Saul said to himself, “I will not raise a hand against him. Let the Philistines do that!”

Giving a gay guy a wife, really! Does he think he lives in the American bible belts?
 
 18 But David said to Saul, “Who am I, and what is my family or my clan in Israel, that I should become the king’s son-in-law?” 19 So when the time came for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to be given to David, she was given in marriage to Adriel of Meholah.



 20 Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. 
Pleased? Probably because David thought it was Michael not Michal, I bet that was a shock on his wadding night.

21 “I will give her to him,” he thought, “so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.” So Saul said to David, “Now you have a second opportunity to become my son-in-law.”
 22 Then Saul ordered his attendants: “Speak to David privately and say, ‘Look, the king likes you, and his attendants all love you; now become his son-in-law.’”
 23 They repeated these words to David. But David said, “Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.”
 24 When Saul’s servants told him what David had said,
25 Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

A hundred Philistine foreskins? Showing his penis obsession again. What is he going to do with them, have them dried and made into chain mail underwear?
 
 26 When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law.
A gay man sent to handle a hundred penises, what a chore that must have been? So before the allotted time elapsed,  
27 David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins.  
Did he really  kill them for this, or just give a quick chomp at an appropriate moment?


 28 When Saul realized that the LORD was with David and that his daughter Michal loved David,
29 Saul became still more afraid of him, and he remained his enemy the rest of his days.
 30 The Philistine commanders continued to go out to battle, and as often as they did, David met with more success than the rest of Saul’s officers, and his name became well known.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

1 Samuel 17


 1Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
 2And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.

Saul??
Saul is leading the Israelite army.........did de lard not order his impeachment? Of course this has nothing to do with the breakup of Sam and Saul. And don't forget how this underlines the power   impotence of de lard.  
 
 3And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.
 4And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.

Six cubits and a span? A cubit at the time was somewhere around 18-20 inches and I assume a span is a hands width so Goliath is apparently just over 3 metres or 10-11 feet tall in english money, here we go againa possible fact exagerated out of all proportion till it just becomes ridiculous.
 Even if he was wearing stilletto's with twelve inch heels and stood on a box he would still be too short
Is this where we get the phrase  "tell a tall story", from

 5And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.
 6And he had greaves of brass upon his legs, and a target of brass between his shoulders.
 7And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.

Okay, okay he was a big strong man,his butchness outclassed the butchest man in butch land.
 
 8And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
 9If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
 10And the Philistine said, I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.
 11When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
 12Now David was the son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name was Jesse; and he had eight sons: and the man went among men for an old man in the days of Saul.
 13And the three eldest sons of Jesse went and followed Saul to the battle: and the names of his three sons that went to the battle were Eliab the firstborn, and next unto him Abinadab, and the third Shammah.
 14And David was the youngest: and the three eldest followed Saul.
 15But David went and returned from Saul to feed his father's sheep at Bethlehem.
 16And the Philistine drew near morning and evening, and presented himself forty days.
 17And Jesse said unto David his son, Take now for thy brethren an ephah of this parched corn, and these ten loaves, and run to the camp of thy brethren;
 18And carry these ten cheeses unto the captain of their thousand, and look how thy brethren fare, and take their pledge.
 19Now Saul, and they, and all the men of Israel, were in the valley of Elah, fighting with the Philistines.
 20And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
 21For Israel and the Philistines had put the battle in array, army against army.
 22And David left his carriage in the hand of the keeper of the carriage, and ran into the army, and came and saluted his brethren.
 23And as he talked with them, behold, there came up the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, out of the armies of the Philistines, and spake according to the same words: and David heard them.
 24And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him, and were sore afraid. 

These brave men of Israel, always ready to go into a defeated city and murder the elderly,the male and the young, sometimes raping and or murdering and or enslaving the young virgin girls. But faced with on oversized, armed man they shit themselves.


 25And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel.
 26And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
 27And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.
 28And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.

A glimmer of reality....two brothers bitching at each other.
 
 29And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?
 30And he turned from him toward another, and spake after the same manner: and the people answered him again after the former manner.
 31And when the words were heard which David spake, they rehearsed them before Saul: and he sent for him.
 32And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
 33And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
 34And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:

A sheep was taken by a lion, AND a bear!Wow!............If two vicious and powerful predators can work together perhaps there is hope for the human race. Or on the other hand it could be complete bollocks.
 
 35And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him.

Caught him by his beard, hmmm.......Young man, hungry lion, close contact, I am really not convinced.

 36Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God.

Defiled? That implies some unsolicited sodomy at least, not just a little light taunting.
 
 37David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee

So the deal is a one against one fight to the death for total win, total surrender. Knowing this Saul entrusts this to a young lad, a lad so young in fact, he still thinks playing with his sling, is more rewarding than playing with his penis,

 38And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
 39And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
 40And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
 41And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
 42And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
 43And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
 44And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
 45Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

Are we really sure David was an Israelite, maybe it is just the folly of youth, but he seems to show culturally uncharachteristic bravery.

 46This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
 47And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
 48And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
 49And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
 50So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
 51Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.

Maybe he is an Israelite after all, slaying an unconscious enemy is what we have come to expect.
 
 52And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Again the Israelites show themselves not to be trusted.
 
 53And the children of Israel returned from chasing after the Philistines, and they spoiled their tents.
 54And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
 55And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
 56And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is.
 57And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
 58And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.
 
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