1And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
2Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Israel, and say unto them, Ye shall be holy: for I the LORD your God am holy.
3Ye shall fear every man his mother, and his father, and keep my sabbaths: I am the LORD your God.
4Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten gods: I am the LORD your God.
Were these not already covered in the big ten?
5And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD, ye shall offer it at your own will.
All these peace offerings work well. After over 3,000 years of peace offerings, Israel is the veritable epitome of peace
6It shall be eaten the same day ye offer it, and on the morrow: and if ought remain until the third day, it shall be burnt in the fire.
Possibly a wise precaution
7And if it be eaten at all on the third day, it is abominable; it shall not be accepted.
8Therefore every one that eateth it shall bear his iniquity, because he hath profaned the hallowed thing of the LORD: and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.
The last thing one would want if feeling bad from a severe bout of food poisoning,however if your prone to violent expulsions being apart from the camp would be less embarrassing not to mention more pleasant for your family.
9And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not wholly reap the corners of thy field, neither shalt thou gather the gleanings of thy harvest.
10And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God.
Yes that will work in the modern world
11Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.
We are still talking about the human race ?
12And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.
13Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning.
How did monthly pay come about ?
14Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.
The deaf can't hear you curse them, why does that matter ?
Stumbling blocks before the blind, no you shouldn't do it,no matter how funny it is.(nothing about roller skates on stairs)
15Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honor the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.
16Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.
17Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.
I must admit the world would definately be a better place, if people would adhere to those last three verses
18Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.
I have a feeling this one went out of the window before glass was put in windows.
19Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.
Oh no! no selective breeding, and no mixed fabric ??
20And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.
So if you rape a female slave she gets a beating.....Your god IS loving, wise and full of justice.
21And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, even a ram for a trespass offering.
She gets a beating and he has to pay for a meal for the high priest....Ah well that's alright then.
22And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering before the LORD for his sin which he hath done: and the sin which he hath done shall be forgiven him.
He's totally forgiven,she is degraded beaten and probably pregnant and thought of as a whore....How can anyone say this is not fair.....'Cos any lawgiver whether it be god,King,Priest or Judge that goes by that rule is a complete and utter CUNT.
23And when ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten of.
Uncircumsised fruit........Ummm !
24But in the fourth year all the fruit thereof shall be holy to praise the LORD withal.
So god gets the "four skin"
25And in the fifth year shall ye eat of the fruit thereof, that it may yield unto you the increase thereof: I am the LORD your God.
26Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times.
Is this the blood of fruit circumsised or not ?
Enchantment, well what is all this ritualised sacrifice ?
Observe times ?What if you don't observe times how would you know when various feasts/fastings/sabbaths etc. are ?
Youngs literal has the line "observe clouds" instead, again would you not look for rain ?
27Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.
Round the corners of your head.. is this a referance to head binding or just a euphamism for haircut. What if your beard grows without corners ?
28Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.
No tattoos ? C,mon
29Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.
Another one I fully agree with.
30Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.
Fuck off, double time!
31Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.
Regard not them that have familiar spirits. Whisky,Vodka,Rum no sorry these are people I must regard.32Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.
33And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.
34But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.
Yes this one lasted well didn't it ?
35Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.
36Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.
37Therefore shall ye observe all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am the LORD.
2 comments:
WHOA THERE!
You say you're gonna try to understand the Bible, but you're not even trying. You're just looking to make fun of it. There's SO many things wrong with your "translations". Like in verse 20, that's not referring to rape. It's referring to an engaged woman having sex with another guy. Not forced sex! I won't even start about the other things. Don't say you're trying to understand the Bible if you're just trying to mock it. You use so many stereotypes and prejudices.
I said I was going to try to understand the bible and I understand it is a mis-mash of oral tales that people used explain the fundemental questions of life.I understand that many of the “Genesis” tales ar echoes of myths from other older cultures. I understand it is also a vague history although to call it an historical record would be wrong.I understand that the Romans put the texts together to continue subduing their empire when they could not afford the legions. I understand this worked far better than thier wildest dreams.
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Not just to make fun of it, that is just an added bonus.
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Not my translations dear, with or without the big O
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“[Leviticus 19:20And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.]“
“[So if you rape a female slave she gets a beating.....Your god IS loving, wise and full of justice.]“
When you cherry pick verses you often lose the context in which they were written, but for once I will as I know the context. Let me explain.
Bondsmaid is really just another name for slave.
Betrothed for arranged forced marriage really any different from slave?.
Other things ? If you are not going to tell me how can I know ?.
You already said that.
As for using stereotypes well maybe you might have half a point there.
As for prejudices guilty 100%.
Guilty of prejudice against(in no particular order).
Murder.
Rape.
Slavery.
Bigotry.
Genocide.
Theft.
Religion (All).
Abuse of women.
Abuse of children.
Abuse of animals.
Abuse of the so called lower classes.
Abusive priests.
And anyone protecting the perpotrators of any of the above.
I also do not like garlic.
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